Top therapist reveals 5 secret ingredients to a strong romantic relationship

How do you define a strong romantic relationship? One where the partners are head over heels? Or one where conflict is non-existent? A strong relationship is much more than that, according to Victoria Towery, a licensed professional counsellor associate based in Austin, TX. “After years in the room with couples, I’ve noticed that the healthiest relationships don’t share the same personality types, love languages, or backstories. But they do share a handful of the same ingredients,” the therapist said in a post shared on Instagram. So what are these ingredients? Let’s take a look.

Conflict is not a sign of a weak relationship. Disagreements and fights may occur, but knowing how to repair and move past them is important. “The goal is never to have zero conflict. It’s to know how to come back. Repair is the act of reaching towards your partner after rupture – an ‘I’m sorry’, a soft touch, a willingness to try again. Strong couples repair quickly and without keeping score,” Towery said.

Most couples in long-term relationships often complain that there is no spark anymore. The lack of novelty is the real culprit. While familiarity and comfort are really beautiful, in such cases, the brain stops paying attention. So make intentional efforts to create novelty. “Newness reactivates the parts of us that fell in love. It doesn’t have to be big. A new restaurant. A question you’ve never asked. Novelty isn’t about excitement. It’s about attention,” the counsellor explained.

The most important ingredient in a happy relationship is communication. Not just chatting over tea, but being understood. “Communication is asking ‘What do you need right now?’ and meaning it. It’s slowing down to name what’s happening inside you before reacting to what’s happening between you,” Towery revealed. “The couple that can say ‘I feel’ can usually solve the rest,” she added.

In strong relationships, you will be able to be yourself. You won’t have to put your guard up if you are in a secure relationship. “Closeness can’t happen through performance. It requires letting your partner see the scared, uncertain, tender parts and trusting they’ll stay. Vulnerability isn’t weakness. It’s the only door that leads to real intimacy,” the therapist explained. Your partner won’t be able to know you if you are always putting on a show.

That’s right. You should be able to have fun with your partner. That is a crucial ingredient in a happy relationship. “Couples who laugh together stay together, and there’s research to back it up. Play is the antidote to rigidity. It’s inside jokes, dancing badly in the kitchen, being ridiculous together,” she explained. These chucklesome moments will remind you how much you like each other. “Light-heartedness is not trivial. It’s the juicy stuff that builds connection,” the therapist said.

Finding a ‘perfect partner’ is a myth. Nobody is perfect. But for a relationship to work, you need a ‘willing one’. “Repair after conflict. Seek newness together. Say the hard thing. Show the tender parts. And, for the love of everything, laugh,” Towery concluded.