Trumpiana: Potboiler on a platter!

Press and POTUS get their priorities right as a ‘friendly federal assassin’ interrupts their dinner

The plot was served with spring pea and burrata salad and vintage wine and a bit of Bang! Bang! as a self-styled ‘friendly federal assassin’ interrupted journalists’ dinner with wannabe king Donald Trump.

Men in tuxedos and women in gowns dived under the circular tables as if on cue from a dozen Hollywood movies as Secret Service agents whisked away the POTUS and FLOTUS and other bigwigs from the cavernous Washington Hilton.

But the panic lasted just a couple of minutes before it dawned on them that the White House Correspondents’ annual dinner would not resume despite Trump’s “the show must go on” call.

Then a free for all wine run began and 147 of 188 bottles of wine costing $76 apiece vanished in a jiffy, as recounted on X by one Peter Girnus claiming to be a senior coordinating producer for the dinner.

In line with the “A Free Press for a Free People” dinner theme, well heeled guests were caught picking up “All the booze that’s fit to Drink,” as a wag put it giving the venerable New York Times a new tagline.

Minutes later, false flag conspiracies also started swirling around fast and furious suggesting without any basis that the incident had been staged.

Even Trump, long known for spreading conspiracy theories himself, took note of the speed. “Usually it takes a little bit longer,” he told CBS. “Usually they wait about two or three months to start saying that.”

Earlier, in another exercise of freedom, the normal order of the evening was scrambled so that Trump could leave early without having to watch Wall Street Journal reporters get an award for a story on Jeffrey Epstein’s 50th birthday book with a bawdy sketch and suggestive poem by one “Donald.”

Back in the White House, the president too had his priorities right. Briefing reporters, many wearing their gala finery, Trump could not resist using the incident to plug for one of his pet projects – a big beautiful White House ballroom.

“This event would never have happened with the Militarily Top Secret Ballroom currently under construction at the White House’” he posted later, demanding immediate dismissal of a “ridiculous Ballroom lawsuit, brought by a woman walking her dog.”

Despite mounting pressure, the National Trust for Historic Preservation declined to drop its lawsuit to halt construction of the ballroom as a Washington Post-ABC News-Ipsos poll found 56% of Americans oppose Trump’s tearing down the White House East Wing to make way for it.

Trump’s planned 250-foot “Arc de Trump” in Washington and a Treasury Department plan to put his signature on paper money were too found to be unpopular ideas.

Yet a unfazed Trump announced plans for a limited edition “Patriot passport” for the 250th anniversary of American independence this year, complete with an image of the president.

Trump who has survived two attempts on his life — a sniper grazing his ear in Butler, Pennsylvania, in July 2024, and a gun carrying would-be assassin as he played golf two months later — also used the incident to draw attention to his greatness.

“If you want to do a great job… take a look at what’s happened to some of our greatest presidents. It doesn’t happen to people that don’t do anything- It’s not going to deter me,” he posted with a black and white presidential portrait.

To further cement his greatness in stone, he plastered his image alongside Abraham Lincoln on a picture of Mount Rushmore before returning to his favorite pastime of bashing all and sundry and playing with AI.

He called for ABC late-night host “Jimmy Kimmel, who is in no way funny as attested to by his terrible Television Ratings,” to be fired for his “despicable call to violence” for joking that first lady Melania Trump has “a glow like an expectant widow.”

His new acting Attorney General, meanwhile, managed to get the former F.B.I. director, James Comey indicted a second time over a photo he posted online last year of shells on a beach arranged to read “86 47,”which Trump allies portrayed as a threat against the president.

“‘86’ is a mob term for ‘kill him.’ They say 86 him! 86 47 means ‘kill President Trump.’James Comey, who is a Dirty Cop, one of the worst, knows this full well!” a pleased Trump posted. “EIGHT MILES OUT, SIX FEET DOWN! Didn’t he also lie to the FBI about this??? I think so!”

And angered by German Chancellor Friedrich Merz’s claim that Iran had “humiliated” America, Trump ordered the Pentagon to withdraw 5,000 troops from Germany.

As Iran seemed in no hurry to come back to the negotiating table, he warned Tehran to “get their act together” with a picture of himself toting a gun captioned “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”

And even as he mulled whether “to go and just blast the hell out of ’em and finish them forever,” or “try and make a deal?” Trump ingeniously skirted the May 1 legal deadline to seek Congressional approval by asserting the hostilities had “terminated” with the April 7 ceasefire.

Meanwhile, as King Charles III and Queen Camilla came calling to mend fences, Trump was mighty pleased by a Daily Mail “revelation” that he and the king are cousins, albeit 15th.

“Wow, that’s nice. I’ve always wanted to live in Buckingham Palace!!!” he posted with the White House promptly following it up with a picture of the pair captioned “TWO KINGS.”

As a parting gift to the royal couple, Trump grandly announced he would end tariffs on part of Scotland’s whiskey saying, “The King and Queen got me to do something that nobody else was able to do, without hardly even asking!”

Beware Charles, wily Trump’s charm offensive may well be designed to claim a place in the Buckingham Palace!


(By arrangement with The American Bazaar)