A science of infidelity? Apparently, it exists

A psychologist points to brain’s hidden architectureIn the 16 years since his divorce, golfer Tiger Woods has publicly regretted cheating on his wife, Elin, umpteen times. “My regret will last a lifetime,” he wrote in his 2017 book ‘ Unprecedented ’. It might sound dishonest, knowing that Woods was a serial cheater, but if he’s telling the truth, why did he cheat?Clinical psychologist Glenn Hutchinson has some answers in his book ‘Unfaithful Minds: The Science and Psychology of Infidelity’.Cheating is surprisingly common over a lifetime. A 1993 US survey found that only 3-4% of spouses had other sexual partners in a year . But by the time they hit 60 – per a 2006 survey – 28% of married men and 15% of women had cheated. Standard explanations, like a failing marriage, or overwhelming passion, fail when you encounter infidelity in happily married couples.Hutchinson says the real drivers of infidelity in these cases are hidden, not just from the cheated half, but also the cheater. They arise, in fact, from the brain’s “hidden architecture”.We think of ourselves as consciously deliberating and choosing, but the mind does most of its processing entirely below the surface of awareness, says Hutchinson. For example, the brain’s outermost layer, or cerebral cortex, is constantly categorising, evaluating, and responding to the world. That’s how we form two types of attitudes to almost everything: explicit attitudes that we are aware of, and implicit ones, our back seat drivers. And the two attitudes can be contrary. “It’s possible to have a positive explicit attitude toward your romantic partner but a very negative implicit attitude toward her or him, and in fact many people do.”We don’t realise that our minds start forming categories of potential partners – attractive or unattractive, relationship material, good for a fling, etc – from an early age. These categories are unconsciously “stamped” onto our brains, and marriage doesn’t erase them. And that can be a problem.“After a person gets married, their unconscious mind may not cease to automatically activate their ‘good for a fling’ category when they meet an attractive stranger.” When Woods, say, walked into a bar, he wasn’t consciously hunting, but parts of his brain would do what they’d been trained to do.Apart from attitudes, the mind’s desired outcomes or “goals” play a role. These goals, Hutchinson says, are “selfish”.They pursue their own satisfaction, regardless of the impact on our lives. A goal, once activated, will “influence our attention, perceptions, thoughts, and behaviours, all toward the end of bringing about its fulfilment”. By the time the conscious self notices, it may be too late.Research has shown that situations and circumstances shape human behaviour far more than character. For example, at a corporate party to celebrate an achievement, attitudes of dominance and victory can crowd out love for a spouse.“The situations that we encounter interact with our personal characteristics – personality traits, to be sure, but also genes, hormones and other factors,” Hutchinson says. And if you’ve been consciously suppressing some emotional needs for a long time, they can assert themselves in such an “opportunity”.Hutchinson isn’t defending infidelity, but suggesting that spouses who cheat may not be the devious, scheming people we imagine them to be. Many genuinely love their spouse, and feel remorse, but can be helpless before their mind’s invisible processes.