Sister B.K. Shivani on replacing control with connection in parenting

In the current busy and stressful lifestyle, it is not uncommon for parents today to find themselves torn between controlling their children and relating to them. Spiritual guru Sister B.K. Shivani, an esteemed guide from the Brahma Kumaris, provides wise words that recognise not the authoritative and controlling aspect but the calm, conscious, and emotional part of parenting as essential. Instead of understanding parenting as an action of instructing and correcting their kids, Sister B.K. emphasises the underlying emotional current that children take from their parents.

From control to connection – a new approach to parenting

Sister Shivani appeals to the parents that children are not to be controlled like machines but raised like individual personalities. As Sister Shivani puts it that "if we place too much importance on child discipline and child obedience, they will behave in a resistant-rebellious or withdrawal manner. Sister Shivani recommends that child discipline should not be treated as a process of child control but child guidance. The approach of child guidance should give priority to the question "why?" instead of the question "what?" that is, more importance to understanding instead of correcting. Thus, the thinking behind the approach of child discipline becomes the hallmark of the approach of conscious parenting.




Emotional Energy Influences children more than verbal messages

Shivani puts emphasis on the fact that it is emotional energy that kids receive from their parents, not verbal instructions, and in much deeper ways too. A negative emotional pattern, so like stress, frustration, and negativity, from any parent, easily reaches the emotional core of the kid. Shivani suggests that parents, before meeting their kids, develop peace in themselves, because meeting kids with peace in oneself is what she recommends, so kids can remain safe and understand that they are taken care of.

Understand behaviour, not just correcting it

One key lesson from Shivani is that children’s behaviour usually reflects their internal experiences. Labeling a child as “lazy,” “stubborn” or “naughty” not only limits their potential but also imprints negative emotional responses. Instead, Shivani asks parents to observe why a child behaves a certain way, allowing emotional intelligence to guide responses. When parents take time to understand the root of behaviour, be it fear, insecurity or unmet emotional needs, they can respond with empathy rather than punishment. This deeper understanding strengthens the parent-child bond and teaches children how to manage emotions healthily.

Positive affirmations & calm communication

Instead of dealing with a child in warning or threatening modes, Shivani encourages positive affirmations and non-agitated communication to condition a child's mind. Talking about the qualities of children and encouraging positive expectations on a daily basis will change a child's behaviour without creating a din in the background of his mind. “I see your efforts,” “You are capable,” and “Let's work it out together” are very emotive expressions that will fill a child with confidence and motivate him to work on his own terms and development.



The power of connection over control

At the end of the day, the parenting philosophy of Sister B.K. Shivani hinges on connection over control. As children get the gift of a nurturing atmosphere and parents who maintain equilibrium while offering understanding instead of control, the end result would be children who become open, amiable, and emotionally grounded. It could result not just in children who obey but children who have an emotionally stable and confident self with an unbreakable bond with the parent, because it’s a reality that children these days live in a world with so many challenges.

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