This generation is smarter and has an elaborate vocabulary when it comes to dating and relationships: Durjoy Datta

On Sunday, bestselling author, Durjoy Datta was in conversation with actor Rahul Dev Bose at the Kolkata Literature Festival, part of the ongoing International Kolkata Book Fair, to dissect the anatomy of love in the digital age. From relationships once defined by simplicity to a world overwhelmed with choices, the conversation explored how social media, dating apps, and ever-present connectivity have rewritten the rules of intimacy.Dating apps mirror the ‘Buyer’s remorse’ psychologyThe authorargued that while modern dating feels easier than ever, there is more to it than what the eyes can see. “Dating has become incredibly easy to start. Dating apps have made access effortless,” he said, but pointed out that the ease is intentional rather than accidental. “These platforms are built by highly intelligent people whose sole job is to capture and retain your attention, and as a result, we all fall into that trap. The consequence of this design is an overload of options, which quietly changes how people think about connection. It mirrors the ‘buyer’s remorse psychology,” he said, adding, “Once someone begins talking to a potential partner, there’s almost an immediate thought about whether you should be talking to someone else as well.” What looks like freedom often turns into fatigue. “While that might seem okay on the surface,” he said, “many people are now realising how exhausting this loop is,” especially because “it often doesn’t lead anywhere meaningful and you keep on going for first dates for months with different people.” At the heart of the issue, Datta suggested, is a technology we are still learning to live with. “This is new technology, and we’re all trying to understand how it affects us,” he said, admitting that “we think we can handle it, but the truth is, we don’t really know how to yet.” ‘Human beings have always been slightly vague and dishonest in love’Datta openly credits the current generation for its emotional awareness, saying, “One thing I genuinely admire about this generation is that they have the vocabulary.” Unlike earlier generations, he believes they are “smarter about the relationships they want to enter,” more conscious, and far more deliberate in their choices. Yet, he cautions, this expanding language around love comes with its own risks. “At the same time,” Datta added, “terms have become both interesting and dangerous,” because words can sometimes mask what people are unwilling to confront. “The real problem is that we’ve always been slightly dishonest in love,” he admits, pointing out that the hesitation has less to do with confusion and more to do with fear. When someone is asked whether they’re in a relationship or a situationship, “the person answering often pauses”—not because they don’t feel anything, but because “they want the connection to continue.” In that moment, “they give an answer that feels safe,” even though “that answer then creates expectations. The issue isn’t the term itself — it’s the hesitation and fear behind choosing it.” Strip away the modern labels, he argues, and the emotional dynamics remain unchanged. “People haven’t changed. Humans have always been a little vague and dishonest in love,” he says. In every relationship, “someone always loves more, someone is always a little ahead,” and no amount of new terminology can erase that imbalance. Self-help books and the survivorship biasDurjoy Datta reflected on his deep dive into self-help literature, saying, “Back in 2018-2019, I think I read every book that came that year and listened to every audiobook and realised that every self-help book is a photocopy of each other. Once you have read the big books, which is say Atomic Habits, etc., you would have figured out that every writer is saying the same thing.” He also pointed out the strong influence of survivorship bias behind them and cautioned that this bias can create the illusion of change: “It will feel to you that you are changing your life, but really you are not. So, there is a limit to how self-help books can travel time and it is important that you read but read with caution.”>Earlier, when you got into a relationship, things were simpler. You were either single, in a relationship, or in what we loosely called a complicated relationship. That was it. Today, even if someone is in a complicated relationship, they have a vast vocabulary to describe it. The language around relationships has expanded tremendously>In dating, there are more options now, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, in many ways, it’s great. You can talk to more people, explore conversations, and walk away if something doesn’t work>For today’s generation, showing too much love is often seen as cringe, but being overly cynical is also considered immature. There’s a strange balancing act at play>My parents were for most part of their life in Delhi but they used to say that once they retire they will settle in Kolkata and I used to wonder why. As I’ve grown older, I’ve realised that I’ve started spending more and more time in the city I once thought I had moved on from>It can only happen in Kolkata that 3-4 lakh people line up at a book fair. The city that is still tied to the culture of reading