‘Co-parenting is a challenge but we have to remember we are a team’

She was, by her own admission, the ‘plainest contestant’ and yet sheer confidence helped her bag the Mrs India World 2017 crown. Since then, Shreya Krishnan has notched up many achievements. A corporate social responsibility specialist, earth warrior, author, dancer, and actor, she is currently managing director-India of AnitaB.org, a Chicago-based non-profit that is working towards more inclusion in the tech industry. The 40-year-old spoke to Neha Bhayana about the importance of empathy at home


Raising a child is difficult even for two people living under the same roof. What are the challenges of co-parenting a child after separation? How do you make it work?

When the parents are not together, I think one of the biggest challenges is that you don’t have a unit. You don’t have somebody to lean on when you’re feeling the stress of parenting. It’s not as easy with just you in the mix. I think that has been difficult for me. I think the challenge of co-parenting is the fact that you want the best for the child, but if you have very different ideologies of parenting and upbringing, it can become very difficult. To make it work, one has to remember constantly that the child is our most important project and we’re a team because we want the child to perform in the best manner possible, learn the best kind of values, create the right kind of environment and atmosphere for the child’s benefit. Otherwise, the challenges can be many, be it a mismatch of value systems or mismatch of ideologies of parenting.

How have you worked out the nitty-gritty of co-parenting?

We actually have an interesting co-parenting arrangement. We plan our travels based on each other’s schedules. It is not a very structured arrangement, but it is still very seamless and works for us. He lives just two blocks away, so Anika gets to walk to his place. She comes to my place from school every day and stays till about 8.30pm. After that, she stays at her dad’s place, and he puts her on the school bus in the morning.

Our society is not always kind to single women. Have you faced any issues?

Society is never kind to single women, but thankfully I’m privileged enough for it to not matter. The stature of the world that I belong to doesn’t really bother me, my being single. There will be judgements, there will be people who think things, but thankfully I’m cocooned in the comfort of the spaces that I occupy.

You juggle many roles. Which one is the toughest?

I think of all the roles, playing the role of the mom is the most challenging because everything else can be managed, controlled or altered. You can figure stuff out, but parenting is something that doesn’t forgive very easily if you fail.

You recently co-authored a book about diversity and inclusion titled ‘Words Matter: The Language That Girls Need to Speak’? Tell us about this.

I think women and girls need to change the way they speak and the way they are spoken to because language is inherently biased. Words carry a lot of power and the way words are meant for men and women are vastly different and that gap has to be reduced. Take the word 'ambition' for example. An ambitious man versus an ambitious woman are seen very differently. Ambition is applauded in a man, whereas ambition is not seen as a positive thing in a woman. Same with guilt. The way men approach guilt and the way women approach guilt and live through it are vastly different. Confidence too. When we say a confident man and when we say a confident woman, the approach is very different. So when you look at it, language already has a gendered bias. Now when we use some of these words, it's intentionally already different. Until you neutralise that bias and use language very positively, it can impact the way we speak, we communicate, and that hard-coded bias will always show up.
Children can be very insensitive without realising it. There is a lot of bullying and shaming that happens in classrooms. How can we instill a sense of empathy in our kids?

Empathy in children is something that we need to drive ground up. What they grow up watching is what they will present to the outer world. So, if you live in a home where it feels okay to comment on someone or stereotype them, children will grow up being the same. It’s what you embody that will actually manifest. Empathy is a very important value, and so is compassion. Bullying is very common. I see it and my daughter does get bullied sometimes. We need to teach them the ability to stand up for themselves and, at the same time, not hurt or harm another person.

Even today, a majority of women drop out of the workforce after having a baby. What changes should the corporate sector make to ensure they don’t lose female talent?

The corporate sector is trying, but having creches at work isn’t the solution. We need to have better childcare and health care. I don’t think the 24-hour work schedule is meant for or created for the cycles of a woman’s life. It’s not a workplace mindset reset, it’s a psyche reset because it’s not just about women being at work, it’s about women being equitably present in all of the spaces of decision-making and leadership. That will then change the way we look at children and the way we look at community and raising children in communities. There’s so much that we can do. I am not just talking about policy changes, but the collective change that we need to drive.

Your daughter Anika is almost a teenager. Is communicating with her getting difficult?

Yes, my daughter is 12 now, but she’s still not reached the problematic level. I find that communicating with her needs a different approach, a little softer touch and gentler mechanics. I’m learning my way around it as it’s not something that I’m well versed in.

Being a working mom comes with a lot of guilt and the feeling of being pulled in different directions. Do we need to go easy on ourselves? How do you balance parenting and professional commitments?

Yeah, there are a lot of times that I have been asked, “How does your daughter manage since you travel so much, and work so much.” I realised very early on that I’m not going to let that impact me or bother me so I don’t carry mom-guilt. I show up when I can. I have told my daughter that she is somebody so important to me that I want to change the world for her and she is the poetry that drives the passion that I have within me. I’ve made it abundantly clear to her that while I may not be there for her on an everyday basis maybe, but I am trying to make sure that the world she grows up in is better than the one I grew up in.

I am able to balance parenting and my professional commitments as I have a very large support system. My mom supports me. My daughter Anika’s father is involved as a co-parent. I also have house help and a nanny. I also work remotely so it sort of blends in fairly seamlessly into managing both parenting and professional commitments. To be honest, my work takes a lot more out of me. I am not the traditional soccer mom. I don’t think I’ve ever managed to be that, but I do ensure that I’m present for her when she needs me.

Given that it is such a male-dominated field, how can parents encourage their daughters to consider a career in the tech industry?

I think it’s important for us to know and remember that gender has nothing to do with learning. It’s about capacity, capability and choice. So, saying that girls aren’t good at math and things like that are very stereotypical statements that get made very often, very loosely. I don’t know why some of these ideas perpetuate in our heads as STEM education has no connection with gender. We need to really reframe what we say.

What advice would you give to women who are set to embrace parenthood?

My mom jokes that even though I am 40 years old, she still continues to parent me. So, it is something that we are doing for life. What you commit to when you bring a child into this world is a very long-term, long-drawn-out process, and that is a good reminder to have. I think if women want to become parents, they need to remind themselves that it’s for life.