Custody battles are difficult on the child

mumbai: four-year-old ira''s discomfortat her surroundings is obvious from the way she clings to her grandfather. thebare walls, the drab surroundings and the functional benches at the bandrafamily court are a far cry from the lively playgrounds she is used to.butshe has to visit the court once every fortnight __ the only time she can meether mother, who is fighting a bitter divorce case. ira''s eyes light up themoment she spots her mother making her way towards the bench. her mother thenwhisks her off to a room __ an alcove on the third floor of the family court __away from her grandfather.a few hours of mother-and-child reunion and ira(not her real name) returns to the other half of her family.in these daysof increasing matrimonial strife, there are many children like ira. congressmannatwar singh''s son jagat and daughter-in-law natasha singh, who died undermysterious circumstances in delhi last fortnight, were involved in a custodybattle for their two sons.the back-and-forth routine can be stressful fora child, say experts. psychiatrist harish shetty says, ``problems arise whenparents are unable to reconcile to the fact that separation is sometimes a direnecessity and not a reflection of their lack of parentingskills.''''children trapped in such emotional tug-of-war mature faster, saychild counsellors and family court lawyers. a father of a five-year-old girl whois embroiled in a custody spat concurs: ``i look on with mixed feelings at thediplomacy and tact my daughter displays at such a tender age. she avoids lookingat me during the visits to the court complex, but she is happy once we are inthe room. she, however, avoids any show of affection while leaving.'''' the childhas assured her father that she would call him up under the pretence of talkingto a school friend to avoid upsetting her mother.according to lawyers,nearly half the people approaching family courts for a divorce have children.unfortunately, ``children who are often dragged to courts grow up feelinginsecure,'''' says dr shetty. ``they find it difficult to maintain stablerelationships, are low on self-esteem and are rebellious in their teens. inshort, they can become asocial.'''' but all is not lost. ``if the parent who hasbeen awarded interim custody or even permanent custody of the child is positiveand mature, the child, too, learns to handle stress,'''' he says.familycourt lawyer sumangala biradar believes it is better if couples split up whentheir child is an infant. ``when the child is older, his psychological make-upcould get affected,'''' she says.principal counsellor at the mumbai familycourt pratibha gheewala says, ``a marital discord leading to a divorce creates astressful situation for the child who is already feeling guilty, terrified andconfused. he is torn between conflicting loyalties. it is important for thecouple to remember that a divorce may end marital ties, but their parentalresponsibilities continue.''''she notes that acrimony is worse whenseparation is sought by one partner and contested by the other. ``many couplesuse children as pawns to get even with each other without bothering about thelong- term consequences. if the child is between two and 12 years, the emotionalupheaval is acute.''''clinical psychologist anureet sethi points out that alot depends on the attitude of parents in dealing with the messy affair. shegives credit to modern-day parents who ``are making conscious efforts to avoidharming their child''s psyche by opting for a divorce by mutualconsent''''.experts say that counselling can often help children of a brokenmarriage overcome their problems. a counsellor recalls the case of a 15-year-oldboy who lived with his mother and hated his father and needed two years ofcounselling.``the impact of a divorce is higher these days as families aresmaller,'''' notes dr shetty. ``a child in the custody of a mother may grow upwithout the attention of a male member,'''' he points out, adding that an absentfather is better than an abusive or indifferent one.the advantage of largeextended families is significant in such cases. says neha gokhale, a singlemother of a four-year-old boy, ``the idea is to give the child a sense ofsecurity in order to let his self esteem grow. brain-washing the child againstthe other parent is a selfish mistake many parents make to satisfy their ownegos.''''according to child experts, parents should stop assuming that thelaw alone can find answers to their problems vis-a-vis their children. theyshould also get over the belief that the child is safe only in ``my hands'''', theexperts add.