Answers from Deepak Chopra

Q: I am a 25-year-old unmarried man. I read your fortnightly column regularly and wanted to ask a general question. What is marriage? What factors should individuals consider before getting married, no matter whether it is a love marriage or an arranged one? —Shashank Shukla A: Marriage is the union of two people. That is common knowledge. The real question is what ‘union’ means. Traditionally, it meant a social union more than a romantic one — two families were united, but also two value systems, since compatibility was judged in terms of caste, religion, economic and social status. In modern times, with more freedom of choice, these considerations have shifted. Now we think of marriage largely as a romantic alliance. Yet ‘union’ can mean something deeper. Many marriages are actually a way of forming a complete person out of two incomplete persons. The husband adds his strengths, the wife adds hers. This isn’t the same as one being the man of the house and the other being the woman, but a deeper merging takes place. When such marriages are successful — a tricky business, since it happens on a hidden, unspoken, sometimes unconscious level — the spouses can say “we are one person” and actually mean it. But the deepest union goes a step further and becomes a mutual partnership of two people who each want to be whole. This kind of marriage, a spiritual union, is about filling in your own gaps, growing to fulfil your own potential, but with an intimate ally. Q: I have fallen in love with a boy who belongs to a different caste and want to marry him but my parents are dead against this. They are very orthodox. It is impossible to convince them otherwise. If I went ahead and married out of caste, my parents would feel socially alienated. They would be miserable. If I keep my own happiness in mind, I make my parents unhappy and vice-versa. I feel it is my duty to keep my parents happy. What should I do? —Sandhya A: If it is your duty to keep your parents happy, aren’t there two other duties involved? First, the duty to claim your own happiness. Second, your parent’s duty to make you happy. Hiding behind religious beliefs isn’t honest when the outcome is misery for a daughter. I understand religious orthodoxy can be sincere and honourable. But it can also be an excuse to remain static. After all, the prohibition against caste prejudice has been part of the country’s laws for two generations. I sympathize that society moves slowly. But this is your time to grow up and be who you are. If this is a suitable marriage, the arrival of a grandchild will do wonders to soften their attitudes. It’s scary to put them to the test, but they will pass it if they value you as a person. Q: I am 28 and have been into meditation for the five years. Initially, it helped me a lot but gradually, I realized I had become addicted to it and it is eating into my schedule. My teacher says getting out of the habit of meditation is a big meditation in itself. Please help. —Amit A: What is too much meditation? J Krishnamurti once said, quite rightly, that true meditation must be 24 hours a day. By this, he meant that a person should be “self-aware” at all times. An hour or two of meditation becomes like a spa retreat, a little pick-meup before returning to the daily grind. This separation between spiritual life and real life is the actual problem you are facing. There is no such thing as being addicted to meditation, but there is such a thing as being reluctant to face life. Is that your real obstacle? If so, you must face what is actually bothering you at work or in relationships. I am in a big dilemma about my whole life. Q: I am 23, gay and the only male child in my family. I recently lost my father and my family has started putting pressure on me to marry. I don’t want to ruin a girl's life. Although I have never been in a same-sex relationship, I’ve always craved it. Now, I have started to visit astrologers who say I have to get away from my unnatural cravings. I am confused. Now, when I go to a temple, I get the feeling that god won’t listen to me and I will eventually die a recluse. Has god punished me by making me gay? I feel suicidal. —Anonymous A: You are suffering in silence, and the root of your suffering has a kind of nobility about it because you don’t want to enter into a false marriage. But the fact remains that you are suffering, and that isn't what life is about. Finding rationalizations is pointless. Jyotish literature reflects traditional values and therefore, condemns homosexuality. But astrology also tends to look askance at foreign travel, leaving one’s home village, going against caste and marrying outside the faith. The world moves on. What you are facing is a crisis of courage. The real problem is fear of being yourself. Without personal bravery, it’s painful to walk away from social bonds and risk condemnation. For that reason, it's unlikely that you will resolve this issue unless you find support from either the gay community or, at the very least, one gay friend. I urge you to take that step. As for what God thinks, that’s unknowable. You judge yourself harshly, so you imagine that God does too. On the other hand, if you loved yourself, you’d think God loves you. I’d rather see you move towards the second option. Wouldn’t you?