When sex leaves the bedroom

"My wife did not want me to get intimate with her. Though we would kiss and hug each other often in the early years of your marriage, she never let me have sex," says Harsh (name changed), a media professional from Bangalore, who ended his four-year marriage after he realized his wife would never have intercourse with him. "She would lie about her health.We went to a sexologist and a counsellor, but it didn't change things. I would even suggest that she watch porn and see if it helped," he says.
This is one among the many Indian couples who have tried to keep a sexless marriage going. "There are plenty of cases of couples who don't have sex for months. Couples ask me: "Is it okay to have sex in 15 days?" says Dr Jitendra Nagpal, Delhi-based psychiatrist. "For most young couples, career provides the high they need; sexuality and intimacy takes a backseat." But this lack of intimacy often leads to marital distress, depression and frustration between partners. An extreme instance of this was the case was of Priya Vedi, an AIIMS doctor who committed suicide in a Delhi hotel room. She had left a Facebook post in which she spoke of how her five-year-old marriage to another doctor had remained unconsummated because he was gay.
"When your partner denies you sex, the first thought is that heshe must be getting satisfaction elsewhere. It instantly causes a lack of trust. This manifests itself into psychosomatic disorders, emotional insecurity," says Nagpal.
Clinical psychologist Varkha Chulani says that a fully functional human being needs sex. "It is natural to seek physical intimacy," she says. "A woman or man in a sexless marriage may search for a male partner outside marriage."
Harsh admits that he did entertain thoughts of an affair. He also considered adoption to create a bond with his wife. "I even told her parents about it, but she refused to discuss it," he says.
Societal pressure and childhood abuse can cause disinterest in sex.Ignorance and deeply ingrained inhibitions when sex is often spoken of as something 'dirty' or 'sinful' in many homes could also be the a reason. "Sex education needs to improve and communication is key. Children should be able to discuss sex with their parents openly. If kids grow up confused about their sexual needs and sexuality it affects their future relations," says Chulani.
If the situation is beyond repair, as was the case with Vedi, it is better to part ways. Harsh finally sought divorce with 'mutual consent', refusing to publicize the real reason why his marriage broke up. But 'mental cruelty' too can be cited as a reason for ending sexless marriages that have lasted over a year, says Mrunalini Deshmukh, a lawyer who has handled numerous high-profile divorce cases in India. "When people are forced into a marriage which is sexless, the truth is bound to come out. So why suffer when there is a law?" she says.
There are of course cases when couples are quite content in an 'asexual' relationship. "Many couples live happily without having sex. Both partners may have a low libido. It is all about the personality type. But for most, sex is a fully functional biological need that cannot be ignored," says Chulani.