My mother-in-law taught me to be an ‘adarsh bahu’ and it’s not about wearing sindoor and being traditional!

Recently, a news about Bhopal’s Barkatullah University rolling out an ‘adarsh bahu’ certificate course is doing the rounds. The first thought that struck my mind was do we really need a course to teach us how to be an ‘adarsh bahu’ (an ideal daughter-in-law) or piece of paper certifying how ‘sanskaari’ we are? And how do we define ‘adarsh bahu’? Unfortunately, we have some unsaid rules in the society that defines the role of a daughter-in-law and whether she qualifies to be ‘sanskari’ or not. And I was no different. But my idea of an ‘adarsh bahu’ changed after I met my mother-in-law. Trust me, it is not about wearing sindoor or being traditional. She taught me what no course would perhaps be able to teach me.

I got a big surprise on the day after my wedding when I decked up like a new bride and went to the kitchen to help prepare breakfast for the family. It goes without saying that I was very uncomfortable and was utterly confused. It was then my mother-in-law came to my rescue and told me that I should wear whatever makes me comfortable. I still remember her words. “Do you dress like this when you are home? This is your home too and be comfortable,” she said with a smile. I was surprised because this is not what I was expecting because I had been strictly instructed by my friends and family that a daughter-in-law should dress ‘appropriately’. But it was my mother-in-law who taught me how to be comfortable and appropriate at the same time.

My mother had often teased me about my poor culinary skills. She would often tell me, “You would learn the importance of cooking once you get married. I wouldn’t be there to cook for you then.” I never understood why my mother always took the trouble to work in the kitchen when she had a cook to take care of our needs. After my marriage, when my mother-in-law saw me struggling in the kitchen, she told me to relax and look at cooking as a life skill. She told me to start with easy recipes. “You don’t have to cook to impress someone. Just like swimming or martial arts, cooking too can be a lifesaver. Start with baby steps. And if you don’t enjoy cooking at least learn a few basic things that could help you prepare a simple meal.”

I am a working woman with a demanding career. My job often requires me to stay back in the office late and there are days when I could hardly spend time with my family. I once raised the question if I should look for a job that would help me balance work and life better. To my surprise, my mother-in-law shared her story about how she decided to leave her job to be a homemaker. “While I enjoyed every moment being a mother and a wife, I sometimes wished I had my own identity. Would you be happy if you give up a promising career to settle for a job that allows you more family time? Only you can decide what’s best for you,” she advised. Yes, I am a daughter-in-law who returns home late and yet I have a loving family who supports me for being who I am.

We need to learn how to adjust to the new environment after marriage but that does not mean we should follow what society or other people demands blindly. No one is perfect and that includes a daughter-in-law too. Love and respect for the new family members matter more than rules that dictates a person to either dress or behave in a particular way to fit into a role. Thanks to my mother-in-law, I am a better person and an ‘adarsh bahu’ without being a saree-clad and a sindoor-wearing woman.

(All images used here are representational)