7 psychological reasons why your ex still lives in your head

Ever woken up from a dream about someone you thought you had gotten over? Letting go of someone who once meant a lot is not easy. Before you start blaming yourself for still thinking about your ex, consider these 7 reasons to help you understand why:

Our evolution as human beings has wired us to preserve social relationships and seek comfort in what is familiar and predictable. The longer someone is in your life, the harder it is to let go of them. The next time you find yourself thinking about your ex, assess if you miss them or just the comfort they brought to your life.

Love and social connections release a combination of feel-good chemicals in our brains, most importantly serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. These are responsible for our experience of happiness, trust, comfort, and excitement. Now that you no longer feel those butterflies in your stomach, thinking about your ex can become a way to bring back those positive feelings.

Ending a relationship without closure can leave you with unanswered questions and unresolved feelings. This can make it harder to get over someone and keep you thinking about them. You might harbour feelings of shame, guilt, or regret about your ex without even realising it. Try to identify the nature of the feelings that emerge when you think of your ex.

Grieving a relationship is a common occurrence after a breakup. When someone walks away from your life, they also take away the habits, inside jokes, and routines that you built together. If you keep thinking about your ex as you go about your new routine without them, it may mean that you are grieving the absence of your relationship.

Sometimes, the inability to stop thinking about an ex may mean that your attachment to them was unhealthy. It is important to maintain your individual identity in a relationship, but when you fail to do so, you are left with feelings of confusion and hopelessness after a breakup. However, this means that you now have the opportunity to strengthen your own individuality without depending on anyone else.

Ask yourself if you are using the grief of your relationship as an excuse to neglect other aspects of your life. If you spend the time dedicated to your friendships, hobbies, and work sulking about your ex, it points towards a maladaptive way of coping. Focus on flourishing in other aspects of your life so you can return to being a well-rounded, happy person.

Some things can only heal with time. Forcing yourself to get over someone quickly can have the opposite effect by making it difficult for you to process your feelings. Instead of reprimanding yourself for thinking about your ex, understand that dealing with a loss is a complex process. Try to be more comfortable with your feelings by sharing them with friends or writing them down.