Teenagers are not rebellious, they are negotiating independence

It is almost a commonplace among all parents of teenagers to utter the same phrase.

“My child used to listen to everything. Now they argue about everything.”

Clothes become an argument.

Phone time becomes an argument.

Friends become an argument.

Sleep time becomes an argument.

Studies become an argument.

Even simple things like what time to come home become long discussions.

From the parent’s side, it looks like rebellion.

From the teenager’s side, it feels like control.


This is where most families get stuck. Parents believe that the child is becoming troublesome. Teenagers believe that parents do not trust them. Each side is misunderstood and minor problems turn into massive arguments.

However, according to psychologists who examine teenage behaviour, there is something interesting. Adolescents are not attempting to violate the rules only to be hard. They are attempting to gradually transition out of the controlled to the independent. And that transition is always messy.




When children are small, parents decide everything. What they wear, what they eat, when they sleep, where they go. Children follow instructions because they don’t have much independence.

Teenage years are the first time they start asking,

“Why?”

“Why should I come home at 7 and not 8?”

“Why can’t I choose my clothes?”

“Why can’t I go out with my friends?”

“Why can’t I decide my subjects?”


These questions sound like disobedience to parents, but to teenagers, these questions feel like growing up.


This stage is actually called identity formation in psychology. Teenagers are attempting to discover themselves, their likes, their beliefs, what type of person they wish to become. And they can not do that when all the decisions are still made on their behalf.


That is why many teenage arguments are actually negotiations. Not about the rule itself, but about independence.

Curfew is not just about time. It is about trust.

Clothes are not just about clothes. It is about identity.

Phone is not just about screen time. It is about social life.

Friends are not just friends. They are their world.


Many parents think if they give freedom, teenagers will become irresponsible. Many teenagers think if parents make rules, parents don’t trust them. The truth is, both are usually worried about each other, but it comes out as arguments.


Families that handle teenage years well usually do one thing differently. They slowly change rules into discussions. Instead of saying “No, because I said so,” they explain why. And instead of teenagers breaking rules secretly, they start negotiating rules openly.


Teenage years are uncomfortable for both sides.

Parents are learning to let go.

Teenagers are learning to take responsibility.

That is why there are so many arguments in those years.


Not that teenagers are rebellious.

But as they are trying to be adults and are still in a house where they are being treated like children.