The one emotion parents should never dismiss (even when it’s annoying)

Emotions are a fundamental part of human experience and serve as vital signals that guide behaviour and social interactions. Among these, one emotion that parents often overlook or dismiss, particularly when it appears inconvenient or “annoying”, is anger. Despite the discomfort it may provoke, dismissing a child's anger can have significant long-term consequences on their emotional development, mental health and ability to manage future frustrations.

Research reveals that many parents tend to dismiss or invalidate their children's expressions of anger because they perceive it as inappropriate or disruptive. For instance, a common reactive practice is telling children to “calm down” or “stop being angry” which, as studies indicate, is an example of emotion dismissing or rejecting or minimising the child's emotional experience. Such responses are often rooted in parents’ own upbringing, beliefs about “acceptable” emotions or discomfort with intense feelings.

Scientific evidence underscores the damaging effects of dismissing anger in children. A 2023 study published in Frontiers in Psychology explained that when parents dismiss or suppress their child's anger, it hinders the child's ability to learn emotional regulation skills. The research highlighted that children whose anger is validated and acknowledged tend to develop better self-control, resilience and social competence, whereas those whose anger is dismissed are at higher risk for behavioural problems and mental health issues later in life. Furthermore, a 2024 study in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry emphasized that persistently dismissing or punishing anger can contribute to internalising problems such as anxiety and depression, as children learn to suppress their emotions rather than understand and manage them. When a child's anger is invalidated, they may internalise the message that their feelings are wrong or shameful, leading to distorted emotional awareness and low self-esteem.

Instead of dismissing, researchers recommend adopting an approach called emotion coaching, where parents listen to, validate and guide children through their emotions. According to a 1996 study in Supportive Parenting, children learn healthy ways of expressing and regulating their emotions when they feel understood and supported. For example, simply saying, “I see you’re upset and that’s okay,” helps children acknowledge their feelings without shame and fosters emotional intelligence.

Parents can develop their ability to handle anger by recognising anger as a normal and healthy emotion that signals unmet needs or boundaries, validating the child's feelings without judgment or criticism, teaching coping skills such as deep breathing or counting or peaceful activities to manage intense emotions and modelling healthy emotional regulation in their own responses to demonstrate that anger can be expressed constructively.

Dismissing a child's anger may seem like an easy way to manage challenging behaviour in the moment but research makes it clear that ignoring or minimising this emotion can impede emotional development and lead to long-term psychological difficulties. The most effective approach is not to suppress or dismiss anger but to listen, validate and guide children in understanding and managing their feelings. This not only fosters emotional resilience but also builds trust, empathy and well-being, which are the cornerstones of healthy development.