Donald Trump picking JD has brought the spotlight back on his memoir
Hillbilly Elegy, particularly his relationship with his wife. Vance credits his wife for helping him go from a hillbilly to a VP candidate. The pair met at Yale Law School, incidentally where they were classmate with another prominent MAGA politician: Vivek Ramaswamy.
Describing the first time he met, JD Vance wrote: “As I began to think a bit more deeply about my own identity, I fell hard for a classmate of mine named Usha. As luck would have it, we were assigned as partners for our first major writing assignment, so we spent a lot of time during that first year getting to know each other. She seemed some sort of genetic anomaly, a combination of every positive quality a human being should have: bright, hardworking, tall, and beautiful. I joked with a buddy that if she had possessed a terrible personality, she would have made an excellent heroine in an Ayn Rand novel, but she had a great sense of humour and an extraordinarily direct way of speaking.
He added: “I thought about her constantly. One friend described me as “heartsick” and another told me he had never seen me like this. Toward the end of our first year, I learned that Usha was single, and I immediately asked her out. After a few weeks of flirtations and a single date, I told her that I was in love with her. It violated every rule of modern dating I’d learned as a young man, but I didn’t care. Usha was like my Yale spirit guide. She’d attended the university for college, too, and knew all of the best coffee shops and places to eat. Her knowledge went much deeper, however: She instinctively understood the questions I didn’t even know to ask, and she always encouraged me to seek opportunities that I didn’t know existed.”
As J.D. Vance began his second year of law school, he felt a strong sense of achievement. After spending the summer working at the U.S. Senate, he returned to New Haven enriched by new friendships and experiences. He had a beautiful girlfriend and was on the verge of securing a great job at a prestigious law firm. Vance recognized that people from his background rarely reached such heights and took pride in defying the odds. He believed he had risen above his troubled upbringing, marked by his mother's addiction and absent father figures, and regretted only that his grandparents, Mamaw and Papaw, weren't there to witness his success.
However, not everything was perfect, especially in his relationship with Usha. After a few months of dating, she aptly described him as a turtle, pointing out that he would completely withdraw at the slightest sign of conflict, retreating into his shell. Vance acknowledged this behaviour, realizing he had no effective way of handling relationship issues. He could either lash out, which felt too harsh, or withdraw completely, which became his default response. This avoidance brought out the very traits he thought he had left behind: stress, sadness, fear, and anxiety, all of which were overwhelming and intense.
He writes: “So I tried to get away, but Usha wouldn’t let me. I tried to break everything off multiple times, but she told me that was stupid unless I didn’t care about her. So I’d scream and I’d yell. I’d do all of the hateful things that my mother had done. And then I’d feel guilty and desperately afraid.”
For much of his life, J.D. Vance had seen his mother as a villain, and now he feared he was becoming like her. During his second year of law school, Vance and his girlfriend Usha travelled to D.C. for follow-up interviews with law firms. After performing poorly with one of his top choices, he returned to their hotel room feeling dejected. When Usha tried to comfort him, suggesting he likely did better than he thought and reminding him there were other opportunities, Vance exploded, accusing her of making excuses for weakness and failure.
Walking away in anger, he eventually saw Usha sitting on the steps of Ford’s Theatre, worried about him being alone. This moment made Vance realize he had a problem—that he needed to confront whatever had caused his family members to hurt those they loved. He apologized to Usha, expecting a harsh response, but instead, she calmly told him that running away was unacceptable and that he needed to learn to communicate with her. She hugged him, accepted his apology, and expressed relief that he was okay, putting an end to the conflict.
Meeting the Family The first time J.D. Vance visited Usha’s family for Thanksgiving, he was struck by the absence of drama. Usha’s mother didn’t criticize her father behind his back, and there were no accusations or angry exchanges between family members. Her parents genuinely liked her grandmother and spoke affectionately about their siblings. When Vance asked Usha’s father about a relatively estranged family member, he expected a tirade about their flaws. Instead, he heard sympathy, a touch of sadness, and a life lesson: Usha’s father explained that he still called the family member regularly to check up on him, emphasizing that you can’t just cast aside family members because they seem uninterested. Making the effort to stay connected is important because they’re family.
Learning to Grow Up J.D. Vance realized that the traits that had enabled his survival during childhood now impeded his success as an adult. When he encountered conflict, his instinct was either to flee or prepare for a fight. Although this reaction was unhelpful in his current relationships, it had been crucial in his chaotic upbringing. Vance had learned early on to hide his money in various places to prevent it from being "borrowed" by his mother or others. Later in life, when he and Usha consolidated their finances, she was surprised to discover his multiple bank accounts and small past-due balances on credit cards. She often reminded him that not every perceived slight, whether from a passing motorist or a critical neighbour, warranted a full-scale confrontation, and Vance conceded that she was probably right. A couple of years prior, while driving in Cincinnati with Usha, Vance was cut off by another driver. He honked, and the driver responded with a rude gesture. At the next red light, Vance unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door, ready to demand an apology or fight if necessary.
Usha, finds another mention in the end, where Vance acknowledges her contribution to his growth and writes: “Last, but certainly not least, is my darling wife, Usha, who read every single word of my manuscript literally dozens of times, offered needed feedback (even when I didn’t want it!), supported me when I felt like quitting, and celebrated with me during times of progress. So much of the credit for both this book and the happy life I lead belongs to her. Though it is one of the great regrets of my life that Mamaw and Papaw never met her, it is the source of my greatest joy that I did.”