What is seagulling? The toxic dating trend keeping you emotionally trapped

Modern dating vocabulary keeps growing, mixing playful slang with serious warnings about how people treat one another. The newest term gaining attention is seagulling — a behaviour where someone keeps another person emotionally close even though they have little or no real romantic interest in them.

Like seagulls swooping in to grab food not because they’re hungry but simply so nobody else can have it, a “seagull” in dating keeps you on the hook to block others from getting close. On the surface, the connection may look active: occasional messages, the odd date, small compliments. But underneath, there’s often no intention of commitment or real emotional investment. It’s less about love and more about control, comfort, validation, or possessiveness.

The exact origin of the term isn’t clear, but the metaphor is simple. Swap a seagull for a person, you for the food, and romantic desire for hunger, and you have seagulling. The person:

- Keeps you hoping by giving just enough attention to prevent you from moving on
- Offers emotional breadcrumbs — compliments, small gestures, intermittent messages
- May signal to others that you’re “taken,” discouraging potential partners
- Stays present even after interest has faded or after a breakup, making healing harder

Sometimes seagulling happens early in dating; other times, it continues long after a relationship has emotionally ended.

People don’t always label what they’re doing as seagulling, but the motives are often similar:

- They’re not ready to let go. Even without romantic interest, they don’t want to lose you completely.
- They want something: companionship, status, emotional support, or even financial benefits.
- They enjoy control. Having you “on the hook” boosts their ego: “Whenever I call, you’re available.”
- They’re possessive. They’d rather keep you to themselves than let you find someone who truly wants you.

In short, a seagull isn’t necessarily evil — just unwilling to let go, even when it’s unfair to both people.

When you’re being seagulled, you’re essentially being “gull-able” — fooled by someone whose intentions aren’t honest. The consequences can be real:

- Wasted time and energy. You’re investing in someone who doesn’t deserve that level of commitment.
- Emotional confusion. Mixed signals create unpredictability and frustration.
- Damaged self-trust. You start doubting your own judgment: “Why am I still here?”
- Stunted growth. You stay stuck in limbo instead of moving toward a healthier, reciprocal relationship.
- It’s also bad for the seagull. They’re wasting time that could be spent finding someone who truly matches them. Time, once spent, can’t be recovered.

The goal isn’t to become cynical, but to protect your heart and your time. Here’s how:

- Set clear boundaries early. Decide how long you’re willing to wait for clarity before moving on.

- Ask direct questions: “Where do you see this going?” “Are you looking for something serious?” If the answers are vague, non-committal, or constantly change, treat that as information, not a challenge.

- Watch patterns, not promises. Notice what the person actually does — do they make time, follow through, and include you? Or do they appear only when it’s convenient for them?

- Stop tolerating breadcrumbs. Occasional flattery or half-hearted attention isn’t a relationship. If you’re consistently left guessing, you’re not being valued.

- Let go if needed. If someone is emotionally checked out but won’t release you, you may need to step away for your own healing.

- If you’re the seagull, then go away. If you realise you’re keeping someone around without real interest, it’s kinder to let them go than to hold them hostage with mixed signals. Saying “just friends” doesn’t excuse trying to keep them from seeing others.

Seagulling is a modern label for an old problem: someone who won’t release you even when they’re not truly invested. Recognising the pattern is the first step toward protecting yourself. Healthy relationships are built on clarity, mutual interest, and respect — not on keeping someone on the hook so no one else can have them.

If you suspect you’re being seagulled, trust your instincts. You deserve someone who chooses you openly, not someone who just doesn’t want anyone else to.