Parents clueless about kids being abused

Two-year long abuse makes parents wonder why no signs were seen; kids would rather tell friends as they don’t know how to tell parents.
When it was reported a few days ago that an eight-year-old was sexually assaulted in a private school in Gurgaon by two school maids, it shook every parent. However, the fact that the abuse had been going on for two years has made everyone wonder what took so long for the signs to appear and for the parents and teachers to find out.It’s also given rise to fears that little girls aren’t safe even with female domestic help. Where the modern parent prefers to be ‘friends’ with their children, and know about their child’s boyfriends and girlfriends and flirting is considered ‘healthy’, is there still a line drawn beyond which children don’t confide in grown-ups?
There was never a sign from her: Victim’s mother
Two female maids, both from West Bengal and verified by Impressions, a domestic help agency, and the verification body, Humari Suraksha, had been molesting an eight-year-old in the school toilet for two years. The mother of the victim told us, “The maid in my house caught her engaged in an ‘improper activity’ and told me about it. When I asked my daughter, ‘aapne mamma ko kyun nahi bataya?’ she said, ‘Yeh toh fun activity hoti hai. Mamma ko nahi batatey.’ My counsellor has told me that in young children, this is a ‘tickling effect’, a type of sensation that a child feels, as opposed to the sexual pleasure in adults. Also, she must have been threatened by the maids to not tell anyone so she was scared. There was never a sign from her, except that since a year, she had been complaining about stomach ache. I showed her to so many doctors but nothing was diagnosed. Now, I know this was the reason.”
She also said she was disappointed with the school principal’s reaction. “I have felt no genuine regret on the principal’s behalf. She has not once said, ‘haan, galti ho gayi’. I have had to resort to the police and medics for help. The school’s chairman has been very helpful and I have heard that they are making the principal resign. I am not changing my daughter’s school because other parents have suggested that she might have questions and concerns as to why her mother wants her to change schools. At the moment, she is unstable, emotionally hurt and going through mental trauma.”
While reports said the principal is in Australia, according to the school staff, it was a pre-planned official visit. The public relations and admissions officer of the school said, “Contrary to media reports, the principal has not been suspended, and neither is she on a vacation. She had a meeting with the parents before she left for the official trips, and even sympathized with them. We are ready to do whatever we can to help the child and her family. Our principal has been there since inception and our staff members don’t want her to resign. The principal is not the culprit.”
We did all we could: Teachers
A teaching staff member from the victim’s school said that the school has proper measures in place for security. “It’s very strange that she never came and told the teachers. We have regular sessions to explain to students as young as three years of age, what is a ‘good touch’ and ‘bad touch’. We tell them that if someone touches you inappropriately, they should run, shout and tell their parents or teacher. The school has CCTV cameras installed everywhere – almost three to four in every corridor. We are not denying that it happened. But how can we know what happened in the bathroom?”
We don’t know what to say, or how to say it: Children
According to a study on child abuse in 2007 by the Ministry of Women and Child Development, 53% of the total number of child respondents reported having faced one or more forms of sexual abuse. Among them, 52.94% were boys and 47.06% were girls. The age-wise distribution of children reporting sexual abuse showed that though the abuse started at the age of five, it gained momentum at 10 years onward, peaking at 12-15 years, and then starting to decline. This means that children in their early teens are the most vulnerable.
But are they comfortable talking to their parents about it? Nine-year-old Isha Singh*, a student of Class III, says, “In school, we are told that if someone does a ‘bad touch’, we should tell our mothers and teachers. Only bad people do bad touch. Mere saath kabhi aisa nahi hua, par agar aisa kuch hua, mamma will scold me. I will tell didi because she is like my friend.”
Even as the child grows to adolescence, the hesitation to discuss sexual abuse remains; Ananya Gupta*, 13, who studies in Class VIII, says, “When I was in class VII, an art teacher of ours used to hold us by our waists, then hold our hands, to teach us how to draw. My friends and I were uncomfortable, but we didn’t tell anyone. I don’t know why. I think because we don’t know what to say, or how to say. My mom would not have understood. I feel she would have told me that I am over-thinking. Then we heard that a senior student’s parents complained and we never saw him in school after that. The principal had announced that he left because of ‘personal reasons’.”
Abuse often begins with a stare or a fleeting touch, but rarely are cases brought to light at that stage. Jagdish Barua*, a 16-year-old who studies in Class XI, says, “I have never been a target of any kind of sexual abuse. But if I were, I wouldn’t know how to tell my parents. I think it’s because I am a guy, and also because I wouldn’t know how to say it. It would only lead to an awkward discussion, and my mother would tell my father, which would be even more weird. The first person to talk to would be my best friend. But maybe, if it gets worse, I would have to tell someone.”
What Gurgaon schools are doing
The PR officer of the school where the recent abuse took place added, “We are going to use this as a springboard to tighten our security further. We will also have psychoanalysis of our domestic help. We are going to keep more backups of our CCTV recordings. We will start involving parents too so that students feel free to tell them about issues. In psychological classes with our parents, we will discuss with them how to find out if such incidents happen and what signs to look for.”
Pia Sharma, principal of Ryan International School in Sector 40, says, “Since this incident, we have been checking our security system for loopholes. So far, most of our maids are 15 to 18 years old. We prefer to get those who come by referrals, for instance, a watchman’s daughter or wife. For the last two years, we are also doing a parents counselling session so that a child can talk to the parent in case of such a mishap.”
Yasmin Contractor, principal, Summer Fields School in DLF City I, says, “Like most schools in Gurgaon, we too have CCTV cameras and background checks for the lower staff. We have kept floor in-charges who take rounds to make sure nothing improper is happening. If a child is taking too long in the bathroom, they keep a check on that too. We also have sessions to tell our teachers to keep a close watch on students to see if they are quieter than before, look disturbed, and use the washroom too frequently. It is also mandatory to keep a check if a maid or servant shows too much interest in talking to a particular child. These points have to be kept in mind especially for younger children, because they feel scared to speak up. It is no longer the case of only a man who is to be kept at a distance”
Priyanka Bajaj, a counsellor at Manav Rachna International School in Sector 51, says, “I feel that trust should be developed from the day the child is born. The parents don’t provide that comfort zone in their home for the child to be able to say if something happened to them. Parents should also not restrict children from doing things. Some parents think agar humaara bacha party mein gaya hai toh kuch galat hi kar ke aayega. Why? Why can’t you trust your own son or daughter? Keep a watch on their activities. But don’t stop them from doing it. That enables a child to discuss problems with them.”
(*Names changed on request)