Pressure to produce

Inability to have a child often tears marriages apart. Sanaya Chavda speaks to people who have suffered this crisis...
In traditional households, it is customary to expect couples to start a family after a few years of marriage. So much so that it becomes a social pressure for many couples to bear. And an inability to have a child is frowned upon in many families, with the onus often being on women.In fact, many couples are known to have been unable to cope with the stress, which in turn has cost them their marriages.
Esha Gupta (name changed), a fashion designer, feels that, following two miscarriages, the trust she shared with her husband broke. “The first time it happened, I was about 24. I slipped and fell in the bathroom. However, my husband believed that I deliberately took the fall as I didn’t want a child as eagerly as he did.
This accusation hurt me and was a turning point for our relationship. We would constantly argue over the same issue and gradually our marriage turned bitter,” she explains. Gupta says that by the second time, they were already headed for separation and, owing to the built-up stress, her body rejected the foetus and she miscarried once again. The fact that her husband doubted her credibility and believed that she was responsible for the miscarriage disillusioned her, costing her her marriage.
Sometimes it is external pressure from parents and in-laws to start a family that leads a couple to separation and eventually divorce. When 22-year-old Smita Rao (name changed) got married, little did she know that her infertility would be a hurdle in her marriage. Rao and her husband Rahul were both in their early twenties when they tied the knot and within two years were expected to conceive.
“There was a lot of added stress from our immediate families and when I was not getting pregnant easily the blame fell on me. We kept trying to conceive over a period of seven to eight years. I underwent several treatments including in-vitro fertilisation in an attempt to have a child but was unable to do so. However, no one questioned the fact that my husband was infertile too.
Instead, I was subjected to both verbal and emotional abuse from relatives. After a while, the anxiety and stress got too much. I was unable to sustain a pregnancy and my husband and I ultimately divorced,” remembers Rao.
When Lily Fernandes (name changed) had a miscarriage, it was one of the most traumatic experiences of her life. “When I had my first miscarriage, I was newly married and in my early twenties. The entire experience was emotionally draining. Within three months of conceiving, I found out that the foetus had become too heavy and I miscarried,” she says. Fernandes says losing their child traumatised her husband as much as her. Gradually, the situation at home became very tense and by the time she had her third miscarriage, all hell broke loose.
“It reached a point where I was being blamed for not conceiving. My in-laws would interfere in my arguments with my husband. They failed to see how much I wanted a child too. And, through the entire period of fertilisation treatments, I felt completely alone,” says Fernandes.
For Payal Vakil (name changed), an advertising executive, and her husband Raj, their inability to conceive tore their marriage apart. As both were very career-oriented, sex became an irregular activity reserved only for the weekends. “It became a sort of blame game between us.
We would often argue over who was the more infertile one. I felt that he wasn’t concerned enough to take time out and work on starting a family. He, on the other hand, would accuse me of the same and felt that as the woman I should let go of my career and focus on being a mother.
It reached a point where we were constantly attacking each other, such that even when we had time for physical intimacy neither of us were interested.” The Vakils eventually took counselling to work on their marriage. But not all marriages have survived the acid test.
“I was about 24 when I first miscarried. I slipped and fell in the bathroom. My husband believed I deliberately took the fall as I didn’t want a child as eagerly as he did. This was the turning point in our relationship”