This story is from June 9, 2006

Commitment woes

Times of India / Jun 9, 2006, 10:36 IST

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Why do guys have a problem when it comes to committing? When it comes to walking down the alter or sealing the relationship, they falter.

Why do guys have a problem when it comes to committing? Two prominent psychologists entangle the mystery.

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It’s a common problem generations of women would have faced. Their boyfriends are caring and truly love them, yet when it comes to walking down the alter or sealing the relationship, they falter. Psychologists Dr Megha Hazuria Gore and Samir Parikh answers queries from some readers.

I am attracted to a colleague and he too is very friendly, but whenever I ask him to be serious about our relationship, he doesn’t say anything even though he seems to like me. Please advice what to do.

Rita Kakkar, 29 years,
MNC employee

Dr Megha Hazuria Gore, Clinical Psychologist:

There are multifaceted issues that need to be considered in any relationship. Communication being the most important one. You need to draw your own boundaries in terms of how long you are willing to wait for him to decide or commit. It is always better to clear doubts and uncertainties as they arise and not stay under assumptions. Its better he tells you what he’s thinking rather than you getting hurt or disappointed later on.

Dr Samir Parikh, Psychologist:

Attraction is a normal part of our life and it is true that most of us are able to appreciate when we are attracted to someone and able to read onto the other person’s feelings towards us by the quality of the interaction and relationship we have. At the same time, due to our own emotional biases, we have a tendency to misread or exaggerate the meaning of what we read about the other person. This is where the role of communication is so important. In my opinion, you should talk and express both your feelings and concerns directly to him so there is a clarity about the relation.

I am dating a boy for the last two years and have noticed that he gets very uncomfortable if I try to check his cellphone or email while he has all the liberty to check mine? It does make me doubtful about his commitment. What could this mean?

Reena Bahl, 29 years, journalist

MS:

Trust and openness are very important ingredients of any relationship. Although there should be a balance between one’s own privacy and individual space even within a relationship, this applies equally to both partners. You’ve been together for two years you can hopefully talk about each others concerns. Additionally it is a point to be considered that why either of you should feel the need in the first place to be checking each other’s cellphones?

SM:

The stability of a relationship lies both in trust as well as respect for the other person’s individual space. The more the trust develops, you are able to give more space to your partner which in turn helps to strengthen the bond of the relationship. I, for, one believe that exchanging of passwords is not an important thing as partners need not cross each other’s individual space. At the same time, if one feels that there is a change in the behaviour of the partner in the relationship, then instead of trying to spy on to it, addressing it through direct communication is a correct option. What you need to do is work on enhancing your communication pattern and if there is a concern, talk to him directly.

We’ve have been dating for a while but my boyfriend insists he’ll have an arranged marriage, and at the same time says he loves me. How do I get him out of this mode?

Riya Mathur, 27 years, teacher

MS:

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are expecting different things from the relationship. You are looking for commitment and security, whereas he does not appear to be necessarily headed in that direction (at least with you). If after having a relationship and communicating with him your feelings, your boyfriend is unable to see the validity of your point in terms of a commitment, then its decision time for you. You have to decide for yourself what you want, knowing that he may not change.

SP:

As an individual you need to have your own clarity about how do you see the future of this relationship. Relationships are about both partners being at the same level and having similar expectations from the relationship. If the partners see the course of the relationship in the future in different directions , then the long-term stability of this relationship becomes unlikely. Talk to him and if you feel that you are not being reciprocated, then you need to take a decision that best suits you.

I have been in a relationship with my guy for four years and suddenly I’ve noticed a change in his behaviour, wherein he wants to be more with his boyfriends. He has no time for me and this is making me very insecure. Is he thinking of a break-up?

Sheena Rathore, 30 years,
MNC employee

MS:

There are two important aspects in a relationship- individual space and being together. One should always maintain a balance between these. This could be one reason that your boyfriend is spending more time with his friends, needing some space for himself and his time. However, discuss your concerns. If this is a sudden change in behaviour, then it is important to examine your relationship also to see if it was becoming to isolating for both of you where you were maybe restricting yourself to each other. This can strain the relationship sometimes. Also let him know that you don’t have problems with him having his time with his friends, but need a balance with your time also. Implement this in action by taking some time for yourself and then spending time with each other.
SP:

Being insecure about what you are experiencing can create problems. You need to see as to how the quality of the relationship is between the two of you and you need to try and be a part of his overall life. Don’t be too interfering and ensure that he gets his individual space. Solving the concern mutually would be useful.

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