Forgiving too fast? You could be engaging in toxic forgiveness

Toxic forgiveness occurs when someone feels compelled to forgive another person, often due to societal pressure, fear of conflict, or self-imposed guilt. “This type of forgiveness is neither genuine nor fully processed. It is marked by the suppression of true emotions, a lack of healthy boundaries, and an underlying sense of resentment because the hurt has not been properly addressed or healed. It focuses more on avoiding discomfort or maintaining a superficial peace, rather than truly resolving the issue,” says Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, life coach and healer. “Take time to process your pain, slowly rebuild trust, and decide if you need to show up differently in the relationship. Forgiving and forgetting is not a realistic approach to moving forward,” suggests Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist, author and relationship & boundaries expert in an Instagram post.

Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author, shared in an Instagram post, “Toxic forgiveness is an unhealthy way that people pretend to be unharmed, over it, or forgetful of the offense. Forgiving to keep the peace or people pleasing is not healthy for your mental health or your relationships.”

Common signs that someone is engaging in toxic forgiveness:

● Rapid forgiveness: Quickly forgiving serious offences without taking time to process emotions or address the underlying issues.
● Minimising harm: Downplaying the severity of the offence or making excuses for the offender’s behaviour.
● Suppressed emotions: Burying negative feelings like anger or hurt, often leading to unexpressed resentment.
● Lack of boundaries: Failing to establish or enforce healthy boundaries with the offender after forgiving them.
● Self-blame: Taking on undue responsibility for the offence or believing they deserved the mistreatment.
● Pressure to reconcile: Feeling obligated to maintain or resume a relationship with the offender, even when it’s unhealthy.
● Avoidance of conflict: Using forgiveness as a means to sidestep necessary confrontations or difficult conversations.
● Lingering resentment: Claiming to have forgiven but still harbouring strong negative feelings towards the offender.
● Martyrdom: Deriving a sense of moral superiority or identity from being overly forgiving.

mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; line-height:normal;background:whitePractical exercises for healthier forgiveness:mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteEmotional journaling: Write about your feelings to fully process emotions without judgment.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteBoundary mapping: Identify areas where boundaries were crossed and plan ways to reinforce them.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteDelayed response technique: Take a “cooling-off period” before forgiving to reflect.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteRole-reversal visualisation: Imagine advising a loved one in your situation to gain perspective.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteForgiveness timeline: Set realistic milestones for forgiveness.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteSensory grounding: Practise mindfulness to stay present during difficult moments.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteLetter of impact: Write a letter to the offender (unsent) to express the effect of their actions.mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto; margin-left:47.25pt;text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:normal;mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops:list 36.0pt;background:whiteSelf-compassion rituals: Prioritise self-care to reinforce your well-being. - Inputs by Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist, life coach and healer