Query: My best friend is attracted to my husband. I know her for the past 20 years and I can tell it so clearly, no matter how hard she tries to hide it. I trust my husband completely but I am seeing little changes in my attitude towards my friend. I don't want to leave her alone with my husband even for a bit - all the scary possibilities start clouding my mind. I don't want to lose my bestie but I can't stand it that she fancies my husband.
Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. I completely understand how unnerving this whole situation may be for you.
There are a few things to consider in this situation. If you trust your husband completely, then you have nothing to worry about. However, if you feel like your friend might be attracted to your husband, then it is important to be aware of the potential risks involved.
First, you should talk to your husband about how you're feeling. It's important that you both are on the same page when it comes to your friend's crush. If you're worried about how your husband will react, try talking to him in a calm and rational way. Let him know that you're worried about how this might change your relationship with your best friend, and ask for his opinion on how to handle the situation.
Have you been spending enough time with your bestie? Have you witnessed any changes in her behaviour? Have you tried talking to her about her feelings? Is there something bothering her? Are you certain you are right in gauging her feelings for your husband or are you just being overly possessive? Maybe your friend is comfortable with both of you and hence is more off-guarded in your husband’s presence.
One option to deal with this situation is to talk to your best friend about how you're feeling. Explain that you know she's attracted to your husband, and let her know how much it bothers you. This way, you can still maintain your friendship while also protecting your husband from any potential temptation.
Another option is to distance yourself from your best friend. This might be harder, but it could be the best solution if you don't feel comfortable having her around your husband. You can still stay in touch with her, but maybe try spending less time together in person, or at least when your husband is around.
If you decide to confront your friend about her feelings, be sure to do so in a private setting. Explain that you know what she's been feeling, and that you want to talk to her about it. Give her the opportunity to explain herself, and be prepared to listen attentively. If she's apologetic and agrees not to pursue anything further with your husband, then it's best to forgive her and move on. However, if she's unapologetic or adamant about it, then it may be time to create some healthy boundaries in the friendship.
Often, our assumptions and hypotheses lead to a downward spiral of thoughts and then even our well-wishers seem distant. It’s important you don’t let your bestie feel awkward as you address this issue.
Also, process your own emotions and be aware of your reactions/behaviour around her. Showing maturity, having authentic communication and exhibiting compassion can be really supportive for all you, currently. Trust takes time to be built so allow yourself that. Work towards building a strong foundation through the right words, actions and behaviours. For a while, distance yourself from your friend, if need be; know that healthy boundary are good for every relationship. We often fear distance and space, thinking it would dissolve a relationship, however, giving space and maintaining boundaries actually help a relationship to thrive.
Take care of yourself in the process. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by thoughts, write down your feelings in a journal in order to process them better. Approach the situation with compassion and gratitude instead of being defensive.
Lastly, I would recommend that if you/your friend are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, and the confusion around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!
For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.
Stay Blessed!
Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director - Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.Want expert advice for your relationship? Send us a mail at expertadvice.toi@gmail.comRead also:
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