Toddlers who refuse the parent who cares most

It can be very painful to a parent to be rejected by the very toddler she spends the most time with, lavishing attention, care, and love on. Many parents, especially the primary parent, have experienced phases of time when the child appears to reject the parent, wanting the other parent to provide solace, companionship, or assist with tasks. While this rejection of the parent the child relies on the most can be very hurtful, it is actually a natural part of the emotional development of the child. Understanding the child’s rejection of the parent helps the parent cope with the child’s behavior without taking it personally.

Safe rejection with a secure attachment

Toddlers often reject the parent with whom they have the safest attachment. This rejection of the parent by the child, therefore, shows the child’s secure attachment to the parent, as the child trusts that the parent’s love and security will not be taken away, even if the child rejects the parent. Since the parent the child relies on the most symbolises security, the child rejects the parent to show her independence, anger, or preference without fear of rejection by the parent. This rejection, therefore, shows the child’s psychological security, as the child believes the parent will be available to her no matter the rejection.




Testing autonomy and independence

The stage of toddlerhood is dominated by the need for individuality, the “I do it myself” stage. The main caregiver is usually the one who is in charge of the toddler’s daily routines such as feeding, dressing, or bedtime, making them the main point of contention for power struggles. The toddler’s refusal of the main caregiver is, therefore, an attempt at individuality and independence. The toddler is not rejecting the main caregiver as an individual, but the role that the main caregiver has come to play as the point of limitation for the toddler. The toddler’s choice of the other parent is therefore an attempt to break free for some time.

Familiarity breeds emotional release

Children tend to reserve their strongest emotions for the person they feel most secure with. After exhausting all their energy controlling behavior for the other people they encounter, such as the relative, the teacher, or the less-present parent, the toddler may release all the pent-up frustration, tiredness, or overwhelm with the main caregiver, manifesting this as refusal, tantrums, or avoidance. This is not an expression of favoritism, as is commonly assumed, but an emotional release for the toddler, who has come to see the main caregiver as the safe person they can express themselves with without the threat of abandonment or disapproval, no matter how painful this may be for the adults.



Association with limits and routines

The main caregiver is usually the one who is present the most with the toddler, thus the one who is always present when the toddler has to adhere to some form of limitation, such as meals, hygiene, sleep, or security, while the other parent is the one the toddler associates with the novel, the fun, or the more lenient. This is therefore not an expression of preference for the other parent, as is commonly assumed, but an association that the main caregiver has come to develop with limitation, while the other parent has come to be associated with the novel, the fun, or the less-structured.

Developmental preference shifts are normal

During the period between ages one and three, toddlers may go through stages of strong parental preference, which may shift rapidly. The toddler may choose one parent one week and the other the following week. This is because the toddler is developing socially, as they become more aware that there is more than one person who can fulfill their needs, which is an important part of their development. The fact that they may choose one parent over the other does not mean they love the other any less. The love between the two parents is not broken, as many people may think, because of the toddler’s behavior.

How caregivers can respond with resilience

The first thing that the caregiver should do is be calm and consistent, as this is the most effective way of handling the behavior exhibited by the toddler. The caregiver should not withdraw or force the toddler to be affectionate, as this may make the behavior more pronounced. The two parents should share responsibilities, as this may break the association that the toddler has with the parent they spend the most time with. The caregiver should not take the behavior personally, as the toddler is going through an important part of their development, as explained earlier. The toddler will come back to the person they trust the most, and as time passes, they will choose the same person as the main comforter again.