‘They want a cycle, you give a car. Don’t say yes to everything your child wants’: Sudha Murty

Philanthropist, MP and, above all, a storyteller, Sudha Murty has just released her 50th book in a writing career spanning five decades. The latest title is part of her popular Nooni series, inspired by her granddaughter Anoushka Sunak. Sidhi Kapoor caught up with her for an exclusive chat on reading, parenting, and the challenges that come with both

As a mother and a working person yourself, what advice would you give to working parents who struggle to find a balance?

It’s not impossible but it’s not easy. I feel you should spend meaningful time with your children. Also, children nowadays don’t have patience. They want instant gratification, and parents agree to everything they need. Whatever they ask for, do not give it to them immediately or that habit of instant gratification will grow. They will ask for a bicycle, you will give them a car. They will ask for an ordinary car, you will give them a Benz. Don’t do those things. Always keep expectations low. When they ask for something, say: “We will get but let us see after a year.” That is another way of teaching patience to them.

Times have changed and so have parenting styles. What are some mistakes today’s parents can avoid while raising kids?

There are no mistakes actually because every generation has different challenges. But parents should teach resilience. If a child doesn’t get first rank, it’s not the end of the world. Even with a second rank, people can live. With no rank also, a person can live. So that is why resilience is important. The parent must understand why the child did not do well. The child may not be interested in that subject, the child may or may not be capable of learning that subject, the teacher may not be effective and so on. One has to analyse and teach children resilience and confidence. Difficulties will come in life, but we can’t get overcome. These are the lessons we must pass on but often don’t.

Kids as young as 12-13 are having anxiety issues and taking therapy. What role can parents play in striking a healthy balance between academic pressure and mental health?

In a country of 1.45 billion people, the competition is bound to be high. In fact, it is increasing all over the world. So, one can’t just tell children: ‘You do your level best etc,’ when we know there is stiff competition. We need to tell children that, ‘Look there is competition but you can only put in the maximum work for your capacity.’ I used to tell my children that a child can carry 1kg of weight. If you pressurise the child will carry 2kg of weight but eventually the pressure will make the child collapse. So, it is not advisable to push beyond a point. At the same time, don’t make them lazy but tell them: ‘Competition is there but it’s important to understand you have to compete with yourself and not others’. This is what parents have to understand because even parents compete with other parents nowadays. It requires maturity and constant practice. It doesn’t come on day one. You must observe yourself, learn from mistakes, and only then can you teach your children the same values.

Kids are hooked to social media and online games. How can parents encourage their child to read and develop a reading routine?

All over the world, bookstores are closing but that doesn’t mean children don’t read. They are reading on AI platforms, on Google and Wikipedia. Reading methods have changed. But I belong to old school and for me, reading a physical book is pure joy as compared to digital. It saves your eyes—otherwise everyone will wear specs young! I know that gratification is much more in digital media because you see the colour. But there is an advantage when you read a book. Your imagination can colour it.

How can reading fuel imagination in today’s time where the mind of kids is already so stimulated with digital devices?

I will give you a simple example. My grandfather once told me to imagine Krishna. I always imagined Krishna as per the Shloka given: ‘Shaanta-aakaaram bhujaga-shayanam Padmanaabham Suresham…’ This describes Krishna’s beauty and that’s how I imagined God. I asked my daughter one day to describe Krishna, and she described him as actor Nitish Bharadwaj because she has watched BR Chopra’s Mahabharat. When I asked my grandchildren, they described him as Sourabh Raaj Jain because that is the TV adaptation they watched. The moment there is a lot of digital exposure then the imagination suffers. The advantage of reading books is that it increases creativity and fuels the imagination which is missing in today’s children.

Many mothers feel ‘mom guilt’ when they can’t be around their kids all the time. You also had to spend some time away from your children during the early Infosys days. How can mothers overcome that?

A child is an extension of a mother’s body. So, if a child is unhappy, the mother will be unhappy and vice versa. All mothers and fathers love their children and do the best for them so there is no reason for any guilt. Most parents feel guilty when children don’t match up to their expectations. Do not compare children. Just let them be. Don’t let them burn out and as parents, even you should not burn out. Mothers need to be strong.

What are some values that parents can instill in children?

As I said earlier, stop saying yes to everything your child needs. Teach them to be patient. Teach them to be resilient in any situation. I also want parents to teach children about Indian culture and history.

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