What kids hear vs What parents mean: Fixing everyday communication gaps

Often, the conversation that takes place between parents and children may contain a different meaning than the one that is conveyed. Even if the concern, guidance, or love coming from the parents is genuine, the child may interpret the words differently. A child may interpret a rushed voice, a repeated statement, or a careless utterance to have a different impact on his feelings about himself. These minor disparities are crucial to grasp when attempting to develop healthier ways to communicate with children.

When the comment from the parents is: “Be careful,” it can mean that they are trying to shelter their children from danger. But to the children, it could mean the world is a dangerous place. Those little voices in their minds can convey a subversively frightening message in the repetition of the reminder. Their explorations could be encouraged rather than restricted just by the parents giving them a spin: “Take your time” or “Be careful where you step.”

“Do your best” can be a motivating phrase for children from their parents. However, children can interpret it as a challenge when it comes from their parents. Being reassured that it is not crucial how things turn out, but that it is important that children try their best, can help children shift their focus from getting perfect results to getting more education. The phrase “I love how hard you’re trying” tells children that trying is more important than achieving a goal.

In the heat of the moment, parents may express a pleading “Why can’t you listen?” to change a child’s behaviour. From the child's perspective, the parental message may be perceived as a condemnation of a child's skills or character. Constant bombardment of these kinds of statements may impact the child's confidence level. The child's attitude and understanding of the situation may be corrected using statements of the child's behaviour in a non-accusatory manner: “I want you to listen to me.”

When parents respond to children with “Not now,” it sometimes means the parent is busy. Children will think the opposite and interpret it as the parent not considering them important. This habit will lead to fewer children wanting to share their thoughts or feelings with their parents. Small changes in the response “I'm busy right now, but I want to hear you later” will instil confidence in children that their thoughts matter.

While parents may have all sorts of reasons why they sacrifice for their kids because they care for them deeply in their own way, saying "I'm doing this for you" can have the effect of placing kids in a position of obligation. "I choose this because I care for you" can be more meaningful and have better results because kids would be raised feeling loved and not obligated.