"May be they love him/ her more than me"
In a family of siblings, this is a common rant: "Whom does mom and dad love more?"
Though it is believed that parental love has no limits and no restrictions, the scenario at the receiving end is completely different. When you grow up with siblings, and come across a situation where your sibling is favored and not you, the very first thing that comes to your mind is "May be they love him/ her more than me"
Read: 'Mom, where did I come from?' 5 ways to answer this!
While elders brush off this allegation with a subtle answer that every child is equal before their eyes, is it actually true?
Do parents not favor one of their kids over other kids?
Do parents always treat every kid equally?
Do parents never think more about one child and less about the others?
There is a difference between 'equal' and 'in the same way'
"Do I, as a parent, love my children equally? Yes," says Jo Eberhardt, a Quora user. In a long post, the mother of two writes, "But it’s worth mentioning that “equal” doesn’t mean “in the same way”. And “love” can look different from relationship to relationship."
"However, the way I show that love is different. Not greater or lesser for either, just different," the mother says and goes on to narrate an incident: "When we were going through the process of having my eldest son officially diagnosed with Asperger’s, my youngest felt left out. He felt that the fact that we spent a lot of time talking about Asperger’s meant that I loved his brother more than him. When he told me how he felt (during a morning cuddle session), I held him all the tighter and apologised to him. From that point forward, I made sure he was invited into the discussions as well—not because he was particularly interested in the conversation, but because he needed to sit on my lap and feel held while we talked."
Sometimes parents do not understand the kind of love kids need
Everyone's requirement of love differs. While some kids need to be cuddled, some others simply need to be listened to. There are even kids who feel loved when they are allowed to talk non-stop.
Parents should understand this mode of love. Only when the love transmission happens in the right manner the child feels valued for being a member of the family.
As parents you can not have a general rule for parenting. You have to customize at certain places in order to understand all your kids at the same time.
Why is it always said that parents love the youngest most?
It can be partly due to the social construct where the elder one is always seen as the caretaker of the family and the prudent one and the younger one is seen as someone exactly opposite. Elders are always told about how important it is for them to hold the family together and get things done in a wise manner. An important part of an elder child's responsibility is to take care of the younger ones, which in a way make the younger kids more dependable and close to being needy for love.
The age-old norm that elders can fend for themselves and even the family and the youngest need more attention, makes the younger ones closer to parents.
For Matthew Bates, a teacher, babying his youngest one is because "I know she’s the last kid I’ll ever have, and there’s no younger, more needy sibling vying for my attention." The Quora user believes this is a fairly common parenting trap.
What about the middle ones?
Many studies have said that middle children neither get the "only child" moment, nor do they get the last child moment. Explaining cases where middle kids are not closer to the parents, experts have said that these kids get less one-on-one time with their parents unlike the elder child or the younger child.
Middle child syndrome is a commonly used term to address the belief that middle born kids are neglected by parents because of their birth order. As per the theory developed by Alfred Adler in 1964, the middle class finds it difficult to fit within the family. However, there are several studies which have conflicting results about parental love and the impact of birth order.
Does being the eldest mean you get more attention than others?
A study conducted by the University of California found that older kids in the family received more attention while younger ones had low self esteem. A total of 384 families were included in the study with all participants living in a family with two parents and two children.
This is one of the many studies held on this subject and is also one of the several inferences that these studies have got.
Not every parent has a favourite child, but many do
“Not every parent has a favourite child, but many do,” says Jessica Griffin, an associate professor of psychiatry and paediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, US told the BBC and by citing data adds that mothers, in particular, show favouritism to children who have similar values to them and that engage more with family, over qualities such as being highly ambitious or career driven.