As parents, we often struggle with the fear of how our children will find their balance in life. We worry endlessly—Will they walk and talk fine? Will they manage school and college on their own? Will they choose the right career? Will they find good friends? Will they make the right decisions in life? And we all have our own ways of raising them. Some of us express warmth and guidance openly, while others focus more on setting boundaries and discipline. With a lot of hue and cry around parenting styles and picking the right one, is there really a need?
A fascinating study conducted in the 1960s by Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist from the University of California, Berkeley, identified three main parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, and Permissive. Later, researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin from Stanford expanded this framework by adding a fourth style: Neglectful.
Authoritative parenting
According to Jaskiran Arora, Professor and Dean, Education Quality, School of Management, BML Munjal University, “Authoritative parenting encourages independence while providing guidance. These parents allow children to make mistakes and learn from them, set clear expectations and consequences, and offer both support and warmth. They are open to discussions and flexible in their approach to discipline.”
Research has shown that children raised in authoritative households tend to develop into confident, independent individuals. They learn problem-solving skills by making mistakes in safe environment and exhibit high emotional intelligence and resilience. These children are well-adjusted and capable of forming healthy relationships.
Authoritarian parenting
Authoritarian parents, on the other hand, believe they know what is best for their children. They take a highly directive approach, enforcing discipline with little room for flexibility. Obedience is emphasized, and failures are often met with punishment rather than guidance.
In contrast, children raised in authoritarian households are often obedient and disciplined but may struggle with decision-making and fear failure. They find it difficult to express emotions or assert personal boundaries, leading to low self-worth and a reliance on external validation, which can result in anxiety and resentment.
Permissive parenting
Permissive parents provide a great deal of autonomy but very little structure or boundaries. They are nurturing but do not enforce many rules, allowing children to make mistakes without much intervention. While this fosters creativity and confidence, it often leads to struggles with self-discipline and responsibility.
Children raised in permissive households often have high self-esteem but struggle with self-discipline and impulse control. They lack structure and may find it challenging to manage responsibilities. This can sometimes lead to a sense of entitlement and difficulty with commitment in relationships.
Neglectful parenting
Neglectful parents are disengaged from parenting. They neither offer guidance nor warmth, leaving children to fend for themselves. As a result, these children often struggle with low self-worth, poor social and academic skills, and difficulty forming secure relationships. They may be more prone to risky behaviors, including substance abuse and delinquency.
The most vulnerable are children raised in neglectful households. Lacking emotional support, they struggle with trust and forming secure attachments. These children often experience academic difficulties, poor social skills, and a higher likelihood of engaging in harmful behaviors.
Do parents really need to follow one parenting style?
Perhaps, in line with authoritative parenting, the greatest act of love we can offer our children is to find the right balance between warmth and space, discipline and freedom, guidance and independence. It takes courage to step back, to release our grip, and to watch them wobble before they stand firm. But in doing so, we give them the freedom to grow, to learn, and to become who they are meant to be.
Children may teeter, they may sway, but ultimately, they will find their own center. And when they do, we will realize that our role was never to hold them upright but simply to be the steady foundation from which they rise. Our role is not to control their every step but to provide a secure base upon which they can learn to stand independently. We need to trust their instincts, their ability to learn from experience, and their resilience to navigate the ups and downs of life. Letting go is not neglect—it is trust. It is the faith that our children have the strength, wisdom, and adaptability to find their way. By stepping back, we are not abandoning them; rather, we are empowering them to stand on their own.
Khalil Gibran beautifully captures this essence in his poem On Children from The Prophet:
“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.”
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