Parenting mistakes: Saying 'calm down' to your child won't help; here are better ways to manage anxiety

It is completely natural for your child to get anxious sometimes. In such cases, they might come to you for help or still, you would want them to not panic. But how do you do it?

Saying "calm down" doesn't validate your child's emotions. It will not help them understand their feelings to be better able to manage them. Instead, it may feel like a parental order they are forced to follow. They may also end up feeling that you are dismissing their feelings, instead of properly addressing them.

A 2014 dissertation published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology by a researcher named Alison Wood Brooks, also revealed that being told to “calm down” doesn’t work for the anxious person.

"What she found was, when you ask people, 'What do you do when you're anxious and what do you tell other people to do?,' [more than 80%] of people said 'calm down,' but they couldn't do it, because we all know anxiety is an intense, highly activated emotion, and it doesn't just go away," Wharton organizational psychologist Adam Grant recently said on education assistance benefits company Guild's "Opportunity Divide" podcast.

Instead of telling your child to “calm down,” engage them in meaningful activities to help them better manage their heightened emotions. Further, your kids also learn a lot from how to deal with anxiety. So, actions clearly work better than words. Here are two techniques to help them when they panic:

When your child feels panicky and their thoughts may start spiraling, look them in the eye with all your love, and teach them to take deep breaths – inhale through the nose and exhale through the mouth. Some other breathwork techniques that can help manage anxiety include "box breathing" and "tactical breathing."

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Sometimes your kid may be anxious about their first day at school or before a dance performance on stage. These are some big moments in their life, which they care about and hence the nervousness. Reframe their anxiety into excitement, such as by saying "I know you're excited, and…" instead of "I know you're anxious, but…," or "Let's try to calm down," Grant explained.

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The goal as a healthy parent isn't to eliminate anxiety, but to help your child manage it. Don't avoid difficult things or circumstances just because they make your child anxious. Express positive but realistic expectations. Avoid asking leading questions and don't reinforce your child's fears.

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