Parent shaming: How it affects both parents and children

Parents have innumerable responsibilities towards their kids. So can we blame them for the mistakes they make unintentionally? Absolutely not! However, for generations, parents have been put in the spot and criticised for how they raise their kids, for being too involved or too negligent, too strict or too open-minded and it never really stops.

This is what psychologists and parenting experts define as parent shaming. It is when parents are criticised for actions that meant and caused no real harm at all. There's never an end to it, experts believe.

Even celebrities have experienced it and opened up about it.

In 2017, legendary footballer David Beckham received several negative comments when he posted a picture of him kissing his then-5-year-old daughter on the lips. The post which was supposed to be a show of affection was called "inappropriate" and "gross."

Actress Reese Witherspoon was also mom-shamed for feeding her child sweets for breakfast. One comment even went to the extreme calling it "Child abuse".

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Shame is an emotion - a painful one. It is different from the feeling of guilt, which at least gives a person the chance to grow and modify his/her actions. Shame on the other hand makes one feel bad about oneself, unworthy and a sense of being inadequate.

Since no parent is perfect, there's something that will crop up and eventually grab a person's attention, making them judge, criticize and even shame. Whether you're too cautious of hurting your child or too carefree to let them figure things out on their own, parent shaming is bound to happen as long as people are capable of passing judgements.

Parent shaming is the act of criticizing and judging parents on how they're raising their kids. It is when others think they understand a parent's decision better on the basis of certain scientific evidence or experience and use it to argue their way.

However, what is important here is to see whether shaming parents is helping them at all. Are they suddenly better or great at their jobs? Do they feel more skilled at the things they were criticized for? Or have they now miraculously gained insight into the changes they need to bring in their parenting styles? No. Not really.

Rather, psychologists believe, victims of parent shaming are likely to feel more anxious and unworthy. They feel doubtful of their abilities, which in turn affects the child's mental well-being, making them internalize the fear their parents feel.

John Anderson, the author of Happy Childhood in 1933 says, "Fear states are contagious."

“The first step in the control and elimination of fear is the maintenance by parents of a courageous attitude in the presence of their children," he adds.

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According to a 2018 report published by The Conversation, intensive parenting has become the latest target of parent shaming.

Intensive parenting is the type of parenting that requires a significant amount of time, money and energy to raise kids. It demands being overly involved in a child's life and protecting them from harm's way.

Overparenting, also known as “helicopter parenting” in modern times, is a form of intensive parenting that has been criticized for producing spoiled children, who cannot handle the challenges thrown at them by the world.

However, a look back at time and one will realise that parent shaming is nothing new and has been going on since time immemorial. Earlier parents were criticized for "lacking the moral and intellectual resources necessary to bring up children". Not for providing too much care.

In order to tackle parent shaming, people must learn to empathize and should acknowledge parents' efforts to provide the best for their children.

One must understand that mistakes are inevitable. It is bound to occur. All we can do is learn from them without feeling guilty or unworthy or making others feel the same about it.

Before shaming other parents from how wrong they were in making decisions, assess and ask yourself how you would feel if you were the parent to be shamed.

Most importantly, know that parent shaming does not give you productive results. It only takes and has nothing to offer.