‘It took me years to find the courage to talk about losing a baby. It helped me heal’

Actor and former Miss India Celina Jaitly is mommy to two sets of twin boys. While eleven-year-old Winston and Viraaj as well as six-year-old Arthur run around her home in Austria, Shamsher resides in her heart — he succumbed to a heart condition shortly after birth. Jaitly, who lost her parents around the same time, had to pull herself out of depression to fulfil her mother’s last wish by returning to films. The 41-year-old, who is married to hotelier Peter Haag, spoke about the double troubles of twin pregnancies and dealing with the loss of a child.

■ As a mommy of three, what’s your typical day like?

It is extremely important for me to stick to routines and schedules to streamline my day-to-day life with the three boys.

Becoming parents to our first set of twins in 2011 was a blessing as well as an unknown space. It was two to feed, two to change and two to burp. But Peter and I decided to not involve a nanny as we wanted to be the primary caregivers and enjoy babyhood to its fullest. My parents stepped in whenever I was travelling for work. With children, any day can get chaotic so keeping calm, staying on a schedule, and having the right gear are all essential for success.

■ What’s the best part of raising three boys, and what’s the toughest?
It has added a whole new wonderful dimension to my womanhood. I feel complete, and stronger than ever before. I also find myself more patient and have a newfound respect for my own mother and every other mother in this world. The biggest surprise has actually been my ‘mom voice’ which I never knew I had. It’s so loud that even the neighbours brush their teeth and get dressed. Having three boys running around the house has been more fun than I could have imagined. It has also been trying at times. Our boys, specifically our half-Indian-half-Austrian mountain goats, are hardwired for a lot of physical activity so to keep up with them I also need me to keep my A-game on physically. We do a lot of outdoorsy stuff courtesy our lives in the Austrian alps. I am very happy with my boys because they are kind and caring and responsible young men. The most difficult thing will be letting them do their own thing at one point in time, I guess.

■ You took a break from acting after your first pregnancy. Was it difficult to be a stay-at-home mom?
Not at all. I took this break on purpose. I was fed up with being cast in roles which did not do justice to the actor within me. I have been enjoying the limelight since I was 15 years old, so I reached a point of complete exhaustion and felt creatively drained. I started my professional career when people enjoy their teens and have campus romances. When Peter came into my life, I knew that if I have to settle, then it has to be with him. I knew a cross-continental and cross-cultural marriage would take a lot of work to form a strong foundation for the future. So, I took a decision to enjoy the amazing new season of being a wife and mother without it being documented or judged by a daily or the paparazzi on a regular basis. I also wanted to grow in other aspects of my life including my activism for LGBT rights and my work with the United Nations (as UN Equality Champion) to be able to achieve my maximum potential as a human being. As per my mother’s wish, I started singing again and my music video on gay rights for UN featuring my first single received over two million views online, becoming the organisation’s most watched video ever.

■ You returned to the screen with the film ‘Season’s Greetings’. Is it easier to work now that your kids are older?
Yes, the twins are now 11 and very responsible and accountable young gentlemen like their father. They also dote on baby Arthur and he is a plus one in all their adventures and sport activities. We have a wonderful governess from the Philippines who is just like family and such a blessing especially when Peter and I have to travel for work. It was my mother’s dying wish for me to return to cinema and that’s how I ended up winning my first Filmfare (for ‘best actor in a short film’). It was a bittersweet sign that my mother is still parenting me from above and that moms are always right.

■ Is your husband an equal parent?
Believe me, equal division of parenting is never possible, but Peter and I are a team. We share duties whenever his schedule permits and that’s the key to keeping the boys contained. Arthur was in the neonatal intensive care unit for a few months following his birth and, at the same time, my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I left Arthur in the NICU and the twins to be with my mom in hospice care. Peter single-handedly managed the situation for many months despite his hectic work schedule. This not only proved the fact that he is a doting father but also instilled great faith in our relationship. That’s where teamwork comes in.

■ How did you manage to stay fit during and after your pregnancies?
Fitness is a lifestyle and not something that one does after pregnancy to look good. Sports were a compulsory aspect of my life from the time I was five. I learned to golf with my dad and remember my mother making me cycle every evening in the army grounds and timing it on her watch so I could get relief from endometriosis-induced dysmenorrhea. My military parents had inculcated a sense of responsibility towards our bodies at a very young age, so fitness became a way of life and I remained committed to these values even during pregnancy. I worked out through my pregnancies — 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of lifting weights — because I wanted to stay fit not only for myself, but because I owed it to my growing babies. By keeping up this routine, my muscles stayed intact and as soon as I delivered, muscle memory took over and my body remembered exactly how it used to look.

This wasn’t without challenges though. Due to my petite frame, I suffered from multiple hernias and in my second pregnancy, I had GTPS (greater trochanteric pain syndrome) which left me restricted to a wheelchair along with severe breathing difficulties. In both my pregnancies, I also developed dilapidating cholestasis — a liver disease that can develop late in pregnancy. I want all mothers reading this interview to know that commitment to health and wellbeing should be consistent despite challenges. If you push through the hard days, you can push through anything. However, it is important for moms to not be tough on themselves and give into body shaming or external pressure. All you mothers out there, ask yourself three questions: “Do I love myself? Am I eating right? Am I doing justice to my body?” If you haven’t ticked any of those boxes, then just work on it. The outcome will always be positive. Don’t work on it because somebody else tells you to, do it because ‘you’ want to.

■ You had gestational diabetes during your pregnancies. Did you miss being able to give in to cravings?
Twin pregnancies means literally double of all experiences associated with singleton pregnancies. Double the nausea, double the baby bump and, definitely, double the mood swings…ask my husband (laughs). The risk of developing gestational diabetes is generally higher in people carrying twins or multithis places additional stress on the body and increases the demand for insulin. The risk may also be higher due to increased placental hormones while carrying twins. Both my pregnancies were of fraternal twins and owing to the double hormone surge, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes both times. My obstetrician encouraged me to reduce my sugar intake to zero. My diet was focused on low glycemic index foods. I was doing blood tests an hour after every meal and meditated to keep cravings at bay because the health of my babies was more important than anything else. It was actually fun to be able to manage with healthy food rather than medication. However, during my second pregnancy, I had to be put on medication because despite nutrition management, the blood sugar was not under control. I especially hated saying goodbye to bananas and makki ki roti which I really craved during my second pregnancy.

■ Very few women talk about miscarriage or loss of a baby. How did you muster the courage?
In dealing with Shamsher’s loss, Peter and I felt pretty isolated in the face of tragedy. We were dealing with one baby’s passing and his twin in the NICU at the same time. We also realised that there is a lot of stigma associated with the passing of a baby. People would not even congratulate us for Arthur’s birth because they didn’t know what to say about Shamsher. As varied as the experience of losing a baby may be, around the world, stigma, shame and guilt emerge as common themes. It took me five years but I summoned the courage to talk about our ordeal openly and honestly in order to empower families as it can be incredibly helpful to talk to others who are currently going through, or have gone through, similar losses.
Somehow, talking about my own pain helped me heal in certain ways.

■ You lost your son and your parents within a year. How do you teach your kids to deal with life’s challenges?
I strongly believe that we should start preparing our children early enough so that they can handle the challenges that life has to offer. I talk to them, in an age-appropriate way, about my challenges and how I faced those adversities successfully. It is important to be a supportive role model and lead by example. While you can’t shield your children from life’s difficulties, you can provide them the tools to navigate them successfully. When they encounter a difficult problem, they try to solve it instead of giving up. Peter and I are working on teaching our boys resilience, perseverance, problem-solving and an awareness of what’s going on around them.

■ Helicopter or free range, tiger or panda —which parenting style do you identify with?
Haha. That’s a difficult one. Before I married, I had theories about raising children but no children. Now, I have three children and no theories. I believe parenting is a journey of learning and growing so don’t be too hard on yourself because as your kids grow, they may forget what you said, but won’t forget how you made them feel. Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

■ Your parents served in the Indian army. Has your army background influenced your parenting style?
Though I am a fourth-generation army kid, I did not have a strict upbringing. I would define it as being supremely disciplined, adventurous and open-minded. My husband Peter also served in the Austrian armed forces before becoming a hotelier so both of us wholeheartedly embrace the sense of duty, discipline, gentle manly character and a spirit of adventure that comes from a forces background. We also believe in combining our own Indo-European upbringing with positive parenting, which is about showing our sons love, warmth and kindness. We guide our boys to act the way we want them to by encouraging and teaching them. It’s about helping the boys thrive by sending the powerful message: “You are loved, you are good, you matter.”

■ What are the principles you follow when it comes to parenting?
Peter and I have very different upbringings but when it came to our sons, we decided to combine the best of both worlds. We hear them out, set limits, give consequences and try to combine positive discipline strategies from both our childhoods that effectively teach children to manage their behaviour and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. Peter and I firmly believe we should ‘model in every detail’, including how we interact with each other. We have also instilled a belief that people of both genders have the same value and that roles and responsibility have no gender. As parents of boys, we are determined not to ever bring in any conversations that include gender stereotypes in ways big and small. Absolutely no gendered behavioural expectations are made of the children. To begin with, the first thing they learnt about women was the menstrual cycle. It’s wonderful to hear the twins discuss that mummy’s tummy ache is because of her period. Having faced sexual harassment during my career, I realised I can’t change men I worked with, but I have three sons and I can focus on influencing them to become the best men a woman can work with.