‘Hardest part of parenting? Accepting that the kids won’t always listen to me’

Sindhu Vee was once a high‑flying investment banker on London’s trading desks. After the birth of her first child, she stepped away from banking to embrace life as a stay‑at‑home mum. What followed was a painful “crack-up” till Sindhu discovered her ability to crack people up at a modest comedy workshop‑turned‑open‑mic night. She walks Sharmila Ganesan Ram through the reinvention that led her to become a celebrated stand‑up comedian, writer, and actor, and how she keeps her three kids connected to their roots

You left a high-powered investment banking career to stay home with your three children and famously “cracked up” — experiencing a huge loss of identity. Many Indian mothers, especially those who’ve paused careers, relate to this. What would you tell them about finding yourself again?

It is hard to generalise about why people experience mental health wobbles (or earthquakes), so I’m not sure what I have to say here applies universally but, nonetheless, here goes: I would tell them:

• You are not alone, this happens A LOT, and it doesn’t have to stay this way.
• If you want to move on from it, you MUST ask for help. Shame, guilt, and regret live in the dark of secrets and they will keep you stuck. Start by telling someone you trust how you are feeling. Build support from there.
• Culturally, as Indians, by and large, we are hardwired to aspire, achieve, get 10/10 every time and everywhere, make our families proud etc etc (no shade on any of this, btw! It is its own special sauce once we understand how to use it and not be used by it, but that’s another topic). Being a ‘good’ wife/daughter/daughter-in-law/mother is a massive part of this...what gets lost often is our responsibility to ourselves.

So, questions like — ‘Who am I without these achievements?’, ‘Who am I outside these roles (mother/daughter/wife/sibling)?’, ‘Do I like myself without the label of being ‘good’ at these roles? — can be completely alien to us. And one has to try and get answers to these questions. It’s a long, non-linear process, and not everyone has to embark on it. But, on balance, I am happy I was sort of forced to.

You’ve said stand-up became “home” when you first got on stage in your 40s. For mothers reading this who’ve put their passions on hold, what gave you the courage to start over, and what advice would you give them about reinventing themselves?

Start small, don’t overthink it, just do it. Don’t burden your wish with the pressure of making it the path to reinventing yourself. That’s a lot of pressure. Become acquainted with your passion as a way to become acquainted with yourself minus all the demands to achieve any specific outcome. Just do it for the sake of the happiness, thrill, peace, smile or whatever it brings you. You may not reinvent yourself in any external way, but I am pretty sure you will, internally. And from there, who knows what is possible. I certainly didn’t.


You’re raising three children in an Indian-Danish household in the UK. How do you balance these different cultural expectations around parenting? What’s one Indian parenting practice you’ve kept, and one you’ve consciously let go?

Regardless of how much we read or intellectualise about being parents, when it comes down to it, we mostly do it based on deeply held beliefs, patterns from our own upbringing, our values and, in the moment, how much of a shindy (as my Appa would say) the kids are raising. So, I’m not sure I can say I have a conscious map of cultural balance that I have followed. At best, I’ve tried to keep my husband’s sensitivities as a parent in mind and vice versa. Everyone’s just trying their best, really. I’ve kept the Indian mom habit of saying things like “agar xyz nahin kara, toh dekh lena mujhse bura koi nahin hoga” (if you don’t do xyz, you’ll see my evil side) to maintain some sense of (never really explicated) consequences looming. And I have let go of the belief that if my kids are not excelling at math, their future career prospects are severely compromised. This has been very hard for the Tam-Brahm part of me, but I have managed.

You’ve joked that “robust, healthy, high-quality parental discipline” — the kind many of us grew up with in India — is illegal in the West. How do you navigate this tension?

I have never wanted to replicate the extremes of discipline with which I was raised because, well, we all evolve to look back at what worked and what didn’t in our own childhoods. The thing I wish I did have is my mother’s capacity to not question herself when she was tough on us. She just believed it was right and that was that. That kind of clear boundary and confidence is something I wish I had!

Your parents were from different parts of India (North and South), and you moved around a lot growing up. How has that shaped the way you want your children to experience their own identity? Do they feel Indian, British, Danish — or all three?

I think the kids feel all three but in different ways, and it’s fluid. That’s how I was raised — different languages, different food, different outlooks, different ways of celebrating festivals — but one family. I guess it was very syncretic for me growing up, so I have taken that as a given and passed it on to the kids.

Do you cook Indian food at home? Celebrate Indian festivals?

Yes, we do all that. Plus, my parents were at home with us A LOT while they were around, and we went home to them at least twice a year to be with the wider family. I always spoke a mix of Hindi and English to the kids, taught them Hanuman Chalisa (among other things rooted in our shastras). I don’t think our household could have had more India in it unless both parents were Indian. So, the kids are pretty connected to their roots.

Your family — husband, kids, even your dog — feature heavily in your comedy. How do you decide what’s fair game to share on stage? Are there lines you won’t cross when it comes to jokes about your children?

All jokes are exaggerations of reality. They aren’t the exact specific truth of events, rather the intuition, the feeling, is what is funny. So, as long as I can maintain that, I think it’s totally fine to make jokes about the ‘experience’ of parenting, marriage, being an adult child of Indian parents etc. For sure though the easiest thing is, I find, to make jokes about our dogs. They never complain.

In your Edinburgh show ‘Sandhog’, you explored “how exhausting and complicated it is to love our children, spouse and parents.” What’s the hardest truth about parenting that you’ve turned into comedy?

Having to practise detachment as the kids get older because they just, flat out, aren’t going to listen. Unlike me, being raised in the West, they genuinely believe that at 18, they will be adults and can do what they think is right. So, the hardest truth is: I have to learn to be a parent who doesn’t get to tell my kids what is the best thing for them to do once they are older teens. Regardless of how surreal their choices seem to me, I just have to watch and stay supportive. For me, this is insane. Even at 44, I got a tight slap from my mom for refusing to eat adequate sabzi in my meals.

You co-host the podcast ‘Child Labour’ about parenting ‘sacrifices, choices and mistakes’. What’s one parenting misstep you’ve made that gave you the best material — or the best lesson?

Demanding (some threats were issued, I cannot lie) that my kid text me back every time I texted. I got aired for weeks and learned my lesson.

Do your children see you as ‘mom’ or as a comedian? How do they react when they hear you talk about them on stage or in your podcast?

I have a whole bit about this in my new show ‘Swanky’ and I don’t want spoilers, so you will have to watch the show to get an answer to this!

You’ve experienced profound loss — your parents, your sister — and used comedy to grieve. How has loss shaped the way you parent?

It has softened me because I have realised time isn’t infinite, and what I want most is for my children to know I am always there for them (as my parents made so clear to me through their words and actions). Even if they do things I don’t approve of, they can always come home and we will figure it out together.

As a mother of three and a touring comedian, what does balance actually look like for you? Is it even possible, or is it about something else?

I think all working mothers feel they are not doing enough. The trick is to change this mindset. Balance to me is about prioritising, then giving myself as fully as I can to the ‘role’ I’m playing (mother/daughter/wife/comedian) at the time and trusting that this is exactly right. My mother was a great help in getting me to learn how to trust myself and pat myself on the back for it. She taught me how to do it before she left, I guess. And my father taught me that regret and guilt are useful only if we learn a lesson and then move forward...on repeat, these are a total waste of energy.

What’s one piece of parenting wisdom from your own Indian upbringing that you treasure and one that you’ve decided not to pass on?

One thing my mother said all the time that is HUGELY valuable to me is ‘beta, bhagwaan ne phool jaisi zindagi dee hai, jeene key liye’ (God has given you a life to live). This always reminds me to be grateful and get off my a*s and stop whining/complaining/worrying. Something I have never considered wisdom, but which is a refrain in many Indian families — “Log kya bolenge” (what will other people say) — is utter nonsense to me and I actively discourage it whenever I can.

Do you think your children will inherit your love for performance or comedy? Would you encourage them if they wanted to pursue it?

Sure, but they have to get a degree first in something they can fall back on if performing doesn’t work out. Optionality and a safety net is basic common sense...don’t make your life harder than it’s likely going to be, if you can avoid it.

Lightning Round

One parenting hack you swear by to survive the chaos...Naps and whiskey.

The most Indian thing about your parenting style that would make your mother proud...Doing a pooja for any (even remotely) important event at home — exams, new car, new pet...you name it, and never leaving the house without drinking water if someone sneezes as we are walking out the door.

The most un-Indian thing…Self-doubt about whether I’m being too tough as a mother.

If your children could describe you in three words, what do you think they’d say?I’d rather not think about it.

Complete this sentence: The hardest part about raising children between cultures is...Watching your in-laws and your parents grandparenting like they are from different planets and wondering if you’re going to get an ulcer worrying about the sh*t hitting the fan at the next family gathering.

But the best part is...Kids who navigate stressful family gatherings with very expansive world views.