Letting go of control: A mindset shift that lowers stress

When we hold onto something, we inadvertently promote negative markers in our bodies like stress, anxiety and a sense of defeat. Letting go is not synonymous with forgetting but it does mean releasing something that’s hurting you.
How our need for control controls us.

When we want something, we align our emotions, investments, and behaviours to the desired result. Our attempts to ensure the result is what we want is solidified by our actions, efforts…basically we exert as much control as possible to achieve what we want. The more control we exert the more attached we get to the desired outcome, and when that outcome doesn’t meet our expectations we start feeling disappointed, defeated, angry, and stressed.

I was in a relationship for 2.5 years. When it ended, I was heartbroken when I listened to songs I cried for him, I struggled with sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about him, and in the corners of my mind I wondered what I did wrong. I tried hard to keep myself busy so I could outrun the thoughts and memories. But no matter how hard I tried, there was an ache that had a way of catching up to me when things got quiet.

How to let go

When we don’t get what we sought out, it’s natural to be disappointed. How do we cope? We try again, we try harder, or we give up. With each coping mechanism come a negative marker; stress, false hope, dejection. Suree we may achieve what we want, but we set ourselves up for failure in the process.

Letting go is detaching ourselves from the outcome. Its doing the process, the karma, the work and not focus on the desired result. Letting go doesn’t mean erasing the memory or hope, it means not letting the outcome have a detrimental effect on you. It’s about releasing the emotional sting, so it no longer controls you or defines your path.

I’m still in love with him which is understandable but by keeping him so close to my heart, I’ve blocked my growth. Memories can give you hope but they also keep you stuck in reflection thereby disturbing you emotionally and physically. That cycle of rumination haunts you and pushes you forward but never truly lets you move on.

We can’t erase the past, but we can choose to see it differently. Letting go gives us perspective and the distance we need from something that was once so close it paralyzed us. It allows us to see things clearly and to return to ourselves with softness rather than blame.

When does holding on become harmful?

Holding on to a dream, wish, desire or goal can fuel determination, ambition and motivation but it’s important to know when to let go. I held onto that relationship even though there were red flags from day one. That desire unravelled a beautiful friendship, but because I was so focused on making the relationship last that I overlooked every physical and emotional pain my body endured. My body gave me many signals through tension, restless sleep and anxiety but I silenced them all, choosing hope over honesty. And in doing so, I abandoned myself while trying to hold onto someone else.

What letting go means

Sometimes, we only know something is truly ours when we let it go. Whether it’s a person, achievement, dream, or goal letting go of the outcome and control lets us focus on the action required rather than tangling us up with the emotion or thought. once we release it, we can begin to live with it and through it in a healthier way. Therefore, letting go isn’t the end but the beginning of reclaiming space for what aligns with your soul, heals you and gently moves you forward.

Ms. Alma Chopra, a renowned motivational speaker , disability rights activist and life coach.