Sologamy: How Baroda girl married herself against all odds

Do you know what is sologamy? Do you know about the girl from Baroda who married herself? Why did she marry herself? What hurdles did she face? Here’s all you wanted to know about a unique Indian wedding I always wanted to be a bride but not a wife. And I’m finally doing it, I’m living my dream and I am very happy about it. That’s what Kshama Bindu, a 24-year-old professional from Gujarat, said while expressing the joy of getting married to herself. Yes, that’s right. Hers was the first self-proclaimed act of marrying oneself in India, and it took social media by storm. To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance, Irish novelist and playwright Oscar Wilde had said. Kshama solemnised this self-love in an intimate ceremony at her residence in Baroda’s Gotri area on June 8. Kshama’s wedding to herself drew out bouquets and brickbats alike from a society that had never seen anything like this before. What is sologamy? The act is known as sologamy all over the world. It’s a relatively new phenomenon and there are a few instances of people practising it outside the country, most notably in Brazil, Florida, Sydney and Uganda. The earliest known act of sologamy is possibly in 2015, when a writer married herself in Brighton, England. Kshama’s marriage ticked most of the boxes of a traditional Indian wedding, like the ritual fire, sindoor, mangal sutra, mantras and even pheras. Yet, the departures from tradition were prominent --- there was no groom, no priest, no baraat and no bidaai. And the wedding vows were written by Kshama as a lifelong commitment to herself alone. “My first vow to myself is that I will never quit, never leave my own side,” she said. “My second vow is that I will always maintain my dignity, and will never let it be maligned. My third vow to myself is that I will always love and respect myself. My fourth vow to myself is that I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve. My fifth vow is that I will shower endless love upon myself, now and always. My sixth vow to myself is that every day, I will inspire myself anew and also those around me. The seventh and last vow to myself is that I will always choose myself over everything and everyone else. No matter how adverse the circumstances are, I will always give utmost importance to my own happiness.” Why she married herself Ever since Kshama was a kid, she had always wanted to get married. Preening herself in front of the mirror as a child, she had mimicked the mantras of a make-believe union that would have herself as her partner. “I decided to marry myself because from childhood I had this dream…and I used to take vows looking at the mirror, talking to myself that I’ll be doing this, I’ll be doing that…I won’t leave myself.” She didn’t have any concept of sologamy then, of course. It was just a fantasy in her head, which she thought she would never be able to pull off in reality. Later, as a young adult, she watched the Canadian television series Anne with an E on an OTT platform. The teenage drama series was adapted from the 1908 children’s classic, Anne of Green Gables. The series centred around a vivacious 13-year-old orphaned girl adopted by an elderly brother and sister. It tackled a range of issues, including bullying, child abandonment, psychological trauma, racism, gender conformity and gender inequality, and freedom of speech. One dialogue from the series particularly appealed to Kshama, and she claims it led to this defining moment in her life. “I heard one dialogue which says, ‘Every woman wants to be a bride, but not a wife’. And I wanted the same.” How she married herself She went about arranging for her nuptials with as much enthusiasm as a regular bride, perhaps more since there was no apprehension of leaving home, leaving her roots. She is bi-gender, which means she identifies as both male and female. And her wedding customs were a perfect reflection of her dual identity. Kshama spoke to The Times of India before her marriage, explaining how she would go about the rituals. “I’m going to have haldi, mehendi, and sangeet with, along with the mehendi, and then the marriage would happen on 11th of June. So, on the haldi occasion, of course, just like everyone, I will be wearing yellow saree. On mehendi, because I am a bi-gender, I want to mix it up little bit with female and male orientations. I’ll be wearing dhoti kurta just like men. And on my wedding day, I’d be wearing red chaniya choli.” Kshama had initially thought of getting married on June 11 at a temple in Gotri, with a priest chanting the ritual mantras. However, as word spread about this unheard-of wedding, it invited scepticism and opposition. BJP city unit vice-president Sunita Shukla called this act of sologamy against Hindu marriage rituals, asserting that it is not something normal and might influence other women to follow suit. Shukla said she would not allow Kshama to conduct her wedding rituals in any temple in the city. Even the priest put paid to her plans by backing out at the last moment. So, it was time for Plan B, with a change of venue and, of course, a change of date. The run-up to the marriage was a roller coaster ride, with emotional and social challenges at every bend. “My venue had gone, my priest had gone, and I was really worried about whether I will be able to conduct my marriage in peace,” she said. “That’s the reason why I had to advance the wedding date to June 8, so that this marriage could happen without any hurdles. I left the idea of getting married in a temple as Sunita ji had said it might distort Hindu culture. I even apologised to her in case I hurt her sentiments, because that’s the last thing I want to do. All I wanted was to get married to myself. It didn’t matter where that happened. So, I had no issues changing my venue to my residence, and the wedding was conducted peacefully.” Some of her peers didn’t take too kindly to her self-marriage either. Miloni Trivedi, a marketing professional and Kshama’s batchmate from college, called it a purely attention-seeking gimmick. It was just an excuse to stay in the news for the wrong reasons, using June, which is the Pride Month for the LGBTQIA community, to further her own benefit. “A marriage is a union of two people and being married to yourself is just staying single, I guess,” Miloni said. “People need to understand that wedding is an event, whereas marriage is a journey, of togetherness, like, where two people are involved. Being an Indian, for me and for a lot of us, marriage is a purest form of union. “There’s a difference between self-love and self-obsession. This wedding is not only a result of self-obsession, but a misleading idea of marriage and an attention seeking gimmick. And carrying out this thing in June, that is celebrated as Pride Month, is not a coincidence. Using Pride for her own benefit is a misleading idea. It’s just an active example of moment marketing.” Kshama’s friend Gargi Tablawala begged to differ. She has known Kshama for three years and called her a unique personality. Even though Kshama is narcissistic, she is also very loyal and helpful, claimed Gargi. Pained by the social media trolling being faced by Kshama, Gargi urged people to stop judging her for a personal decision like marriage. “Why are people trolling her so much? Marriage is a deeply personal matter; the society should not have anything to do with it. We choose our partners ourselves, and she has just chosen herself as a partner,” Gargi said. “I fail to understand why people are being so cruel to her. I am shocked at the way she is being trolled. How can people have such a nasty way of thinking? People are simply not thinking about how this negativity will affect her mental peace. She has taken such a huge step, so it is already hard on her. The trolling is making things worse. I hope she doesn’t slip into depression. Whatever she is doing is the right thing for her.” Kshama’s mother lives in Ahmedabad and, even though she couldn’t come down to attend her wedding owing to failing health, Kshama assured that she has complete support from her mother. So, trolls be damned, Kshama has finally done what she has dreamt of doing since childhood – marrying herself. Anchor: Sanyam Sharma Audio production: Basant Singhal Note: The podcast was originally published on Sep 5, 2022