"I hit my wife when she raised her voice": Why some men beat their wives

“I gave her a tight slap and rammed her face on the wall… her upper lip started bleeding. She couldn’t speak for a few minutes. A huge bump appeared on her forehead. When I realised what I had done, I immediately rushed her to a clinic.”Arun (name changed), is among many men who have hit or abused their wives. According to government data, domestic violence, or cruelty by husband/relative, figures as the top category among crimes against women in India. Arun pins the blame on his wife and says he doesn’t like her arguing all the time. “I have sisters; they never argued, but my wife has her own mind and does what she wishes and it bothers me. I am not used to it.” A resident of Bhopal, he runs a mobile phone store and is now trying to repair relations with his wife after undergoing several counselling sessions by an NGO and the police, as well as divorce threats from his father-in-law.Vikas (name changed), a cab driver who lives in Rajasthan’s Kota district, tells a similar tale. He says he has a short temper which has led to several fights with his wife; on some occasions the police have had to intervene. “I have anger issues and I dislike it when she raises her voice because of which I have hit her in the past. He claims things are fine now thanks to the counselling sessions they attended. He, however, refused to let her speak to this reporter. “Jo baat karni hai mujhse karo (Whatever you want to know, ask me)."According to NCRB data, over 1.26 lakh cases of domestic violence were recorded in 2019, up by almost 20,000 cases from the year ago. Of these, the highest cases were reported from Rajasthan (18,432) followed by Uttar Pradesh (18,304). Domestic violence consistently remained the top reason for violence against women, followed by dowry deaths, abetment to suicide and miscarriage. !function(){"use strict";window.addEventListener("message",(function(a){if(void 0!==a.data["datawrapper-height"])for(var e in a.data["datawrapper-height"]){var t=document.getElementById("datawrapper-chart-"+e)||document.querySelector("iframe[src*='"+e+"']");t&&(t.style.height=a.data["datawrapper-height"][e]+"px")}}))}(); Conviction rate for domestic violence at 14.6% in 2019 was lower than the conviction rate for total crimes against women at 22.2%. From sociological or behavioural factors such as anger issues, addiction, upbringing, economic status and psychological instability to historical factors such as a patriarchal system in which customs and values are made to favour men and the stereotype that women are the weaker sex, reasons are varied. !function(){"use strict";window.addEventListener("message",(function(a){if(void 0!==a.data["datawrapper-height"])for(var e in a.data["datawrapper-height"]){var t=document.getElementById("datawrapper-chart-"+e)||document.querySelector("iframe[src*='"+e+"']");t&&(t.style.height=a.data["datawrapper-height"][e]+"px")}}))}(); During the Covid pandemic-induced lockdown period this year, things got worse. The National Commission for Women received a significant higher number of complaints from women seeking protection against domestic violence. Confined within four walls, economic insecurity and uncertainty meant tempers were frayed, resulting in more violence at home. !function(){"use strict";window.addEventListener("message",(function(a){if(void 0!==a.data["datawrapper-height"])for(var e in a.data["datawrapper-height"]){var t=document.getElementById("datawrapper-chart-"+e)||document.querySelector("iframe[src*='"+e+"']");t&&(t.style.height=a.data["datawrapper-height"][e]+"px")}}))}(); Worryingly, domestic abuse is not limited to any particular section of society. In a video that went viral in September, ex-Madhya Pradesh Director General of Police (Prosecution) Purushottam Sharma was seen thrashing his wife. Sharma refused to take responsibility. “We've been married for 32 years...in 2008, she had complained against me. But since then, she has continued to live in my house, enjoying all the facilities and travelling abroad on my expenses. This is a family dispute, not a crime. I am neither a violent person, nor a criminal. It is unfortunate I have to go through this. My wife stalks me and has put cameras in the house.” Following the incident, Sharma was suspended by the state government from the post of special director general on September 29. The Union Ministry of Home Affairs confirmed his suspension on October 28. In a letter issued to the Madhya Pradesh chief secretary, the MHA directed the state government to chargesheet Sharma by November 27. medium nocaption78994734Addressing the root causeExperts say, most of the times, it is about exercising control. In an attempt to feel powerful, men indulge in aggressive behaviour, which is not necessarily limited to physical abuse, but can also be verbal and involve emotional manipulation. Sarika Sinha, director of Policy Campaigns and Communications, ActionAid India, an NGO working for child rights, women's rights & emergency response, says it is a power tussle that is deeply entrenched in patriarchy. Alcohol or any other substance abuse are just excuses. "Will a man under the influence of alcohol or drugs hit his boss or colleague or a stranger walking past him? No. Only his wife because he thinks she's a weak target."According to Dr Rajiv Mehta, psychiatrist at Sir Ganga Ram Hospital, domestic violence is deeply rooted in patriarchy. At times, men committing the crimes also suffer from depression, mania, drug abuse, or are simply frustrated, and consider women an easy target. Counselling is generally the first step – by NGOs, family members, even the police. Vijyanta Arya, DCP, Northwest Delhi, says if counselling doesn’t work, the wife can register an FIR. “Most times women don’t want to register an FIR straight away against their spouses. They would rather get counselled with their husbands. If counselling doesn't yield results, then we register a case.” medium nocaption78994743Most family counselling centres run by women’s groups are funded by the centre's social welfare board and states' social welfare boards. According to Harish Sadani, co-founder and chief functionary of Men Against Violence and Abuse (MAVA), counselling by the police or women NGOs doesn't really address the root cause. "Law enforcement part is fine, but if you don’t touch the core of this so-called manhood, the engagement won’t be long term,” he says. Even when it reaches the judiciary, focus is more on the legal aspect. “The reform part is not the concern of judiciary. The need of the hour is to believe in reforming men before punishing them, and to teach them respect for the opposite sex,” says senior lawyer Shubhra Mehndiratta. Deeksha (named changed), a lawyer and a domestic violence survivor, agrees. Forced to leave her home fearing for her safety after facing physical and mental abuse by her husband, she says “No one asked my husband to mend his ways and reform. The NGOs, police offered a shelter home to me, but not to him who is really the one that needs to be reformed.”The way forwardAccording to Sarika Sinha, the sensitisation needs to start young. The Indian schooling system should inculcate gender studies when the kids are still in their formative years, she says. Sadani also believes the youth must be sensitised. “During the Nirbhaya gangrape protest, a large number of young men had gathered to show their support and it was a huge opportunity to teach them about gender equality. Laws were reformed to empower women but the opportunity was half won as it did not touch upon changing the attitude of men,” he says. Sadani's NGO has been actively working to sensitise men, especially in Maharashtra, through collaborations with local colleges, universities, women’s groups and grassroots community-based organisations. MAVA has also started a new initiative called Maanush in 3 states – Assam, Gujarat and Karnataka – wherein select young men are trained and mentored on issues of gender and sexuality. medium nocaption78994782Another step is the establishment of reform houses in the country on the lines of the Batterer Intervention Program (BIP) in the US. BIP counsels men who inflict violent physical abuse upon a child, spouse, or others. Some men opt for it voluntarily and others under court order. The counsellors at these programmes challenge men about their ideas of patriarchy and attempt to sensitise them on gender equality. It's an idea that is suggested by Deeksha too. "There should be reform houses for men in our country where they can go either on their own accord or under a court order," she says. The programme also shows that prison is not necessarily the answer. According to a 2015 study published by Sage Journals, BIPS was more effective in reducing the likelihood of future arrests in domestic violence cases than those who had served time in prison. A 2007 study said that completing the intervention program reduced the risk of re-arrest from 39% to 61%.Sadani says it is worth trying something along these lines in India too. "It is high time civil societies, social welfare groups, NGOs, and the government invest in young men, else the future is going to be very bleak." Untitled Carousel 73482831