I AM: Neelam Krishnamurthy

My belief in God died forever on June 13, 1997, the day my two children died in the Uphaar fire tragedy. That was the last day my husband and I lit a lamp in front of God at home. We decided never to pray to Him again because it would not make any difference to us anymore. Whom should we pray for? When our children were alive, we used to take them to Tirupati, Vaishno Devi, Kanyakumari and other religious places.None of those trips seemed to have any meaning anymore.
I don’t believe in any Higher Power at all. When my children died, I had two choices — either to sit back, cry and accept whatever happened as fate or fight for justice. I chose the latter. I didn’t want to blame destiny for whatever happened. If at all God exists, would He want so many people to die in such a brutal way? That’s when I made a promise to my children and myself to punish those responsible for their death.
People say life moves on, but only those who go through the pain know that it never does. I feel as if I have been served a living death sentence. All my friends and relatives wanted me to adopt a child, but i could never do it. They didn’t understand my pain. That is when I realised that no one can help you and you have to deal with your grief on your own.
I understand that when you are depressed, you need someone next to you. However, I think all others can do is listen to you. At the end of the day, it’s your pain and you have to deal with it.
I find solace in my children’s room. We have kept their books, clothes and music the way they left it. I read Bhagavad Gita because it gives me a focus. It says, “Focus on the eye of the fish”. I don’t think about my future. All my desires died the day my children died. I am not happy with the verdict and I will fight till the end.
Neelam Krishnamurthy is the President of the Association of Victims of Uphaar.
(As told to S Shanthi)