Some like them big

In the time when DINK and DISK couples are becoming more of a norm in Indian cities, some people are happy to have taken the road less travelled. These are urban couples who feel blessed for having more than two kids. However, now that a family with two children is considered 'complete', these parents have to deal with a lot more than many school bags.Many benefit policies, for instance. And many more uncomfortable questions from friends, family, and strangers.
And yet, there seems to be little that they are willing to trade their family status with. "I think we are an extraordinary family," says Jhilmil Breckenridge, a mother of four boys aged between 11 and one. Breckenridge, who is an only child herself, was always sure that she wanted to give birth more than once. "I know how parents over-compensate if they have a single kid. I really believe that either you don't have any or you have lots," says the 39-year-old yoga teacher and owner of a maternity wear store in Delhi.
For most couples, having three or more kids actually begins as a strong belief about not having a single child. Damayanti Gooptu, Kolkata-based mother of three girls, always wanted to have more than one child and never consciously planned to have only two. "We had seen single children feel bored and lonely," says the 34-year-old mom. Now, of course, the three sisters ensure there is never a dull moment in the family. "They don't need to look outside for friends," says Gooptu.
A full house also brings its share of travails for the parents, especially for the mother who has to manage the squabbles and noise levels at home. "There is always a battle on," says Anshu Khanna, a Delhi-based communications consultant, who has two teenaged daughters and a nine-year-old son. "But I think they learn to share and care a lot more than even two siblings."
These parents find it hard to understand the fuss that others make about the 'difficulty' of bringing up children in a big city. "Either you can have one, or you can have as many," says Khanna. Breckenridge firmly believes that if you want to have a big family, you can. "Most often people don't want to make an effort. They give excuses because they don't want the hassle of more than one or two children."
The primary justification for having a small family, of course, tends to be the rising cost of living in a metro. How many times, after all, have we heard or talked about how much more difficult it's getting for parents to be able to give their best to even one child? Well, it's not impossible, say parents who have to pay for three or more art or music classes. "I believe kids need love," says Breckenridge. "And because couples these days can't give too much time to their kids, they buy too many video games." Khanna too insists "it's not expensive if you bring them up well."
Yes, kids can be made to understand that a fancy school bag contains the same books as an ordinary one. And that a holiday trip close to home can be as much fun as posing in front of the Big Ben. But there are many smaller issues that persist every day. Like giving time and attention as many times over. "There is so much competition these days. Attending to the studies and extra-curricular activities of three kids is very demanding," says Gooptu. That's where support of the extended or joint family seems important. "We are being able to manage so well only because we live in a joint family," says Jinendra Jain.
The Delhi-based lawyer already had a four-year-old boy when his wife gave birth to twins four months ago. Now the three little ones keep all the family members on their toes. "If I didn't have the support of my family, I know I'd have had to sit at home till they grew up a little more," he laughs. Gooptu, for that matter, lets in that she would have stopped at maybe the first child if she were not staying with her in-laws.
The scenario is much tougher when the kids are a part of a nuclear family with a working mother. But parents insist that we should not underestimate the children's ability to adjust to life. "They find their own equilibrium," says Khanna. And issues like sibling rivalry too slowly get bumped out by loving care and concern - especially between the oldest and the youngest child.
What refuses to go away is the unabashed questions that these parents have to field. "It's very embarrassing at times," says Khanna, citing how women keep saying 'I admire you' to her all the time. "And I am like, come on, it's not a cricket team!" Then there are people who hint how they understand that she must have wanted a boy after two girls. Breckenridge, with four boys, hears quite the opposite, that the couple must have been trying for a girl. "Some of them get really persistent, even asking which method of family planning we were using." Well, as these couples would say, the real planning starts after the little eyes start seeing this world. And change the worldview of the parents.