Not tonight, please... no time

<div class="section1"><div class="Normal">A US study recently found that dual-income couples in America chat with each other an average of just 12 minutes a day. We''re not exactly there, but surely, headed somewhere there.<br /><br />It''s a Juggling Act we are fast mastering: ulcer, acidity, deadline, stress, tiffin, homework, PTA, dinner, shopping, maid, partying, pubbing, guilt....For all of us urban warriors bringing up baby and managing a home and career, it''s a well-tread and worked-out formula, we have it all down to pat: focus on the essentials, weed out the unnecessary. The only catch - more and more ''essentials'' are increasingly falling under the ''unnecessary'' category.<br /><br />Nuclear urban couples with young children have it the hardest, say counsellors. And the biggest affliction now ailing two-income families is ''time crunch'': there''s no time for anything. Sex and socialising, children''s homework and PTAs are slowly slipping out of the to-do list. And now suddenly, a worst-case nightmare scenario - your child being kidnapped by the maid while you are busy at office - is adding to the anxiety factor.<br /><br /><span style="" font-weight:="" bold="">Life''s a rollercoaster ride</span><br /><br />PTAs and children''s homework - what''s that? Anjali and Shashank, a Delhi-based media couple, have long given up on it: they have never managed to make it to a single school meet of either of their two sons. Weekdays are a long blur of work and commuting, weekends are for children, chores and grocery. They have finally found the perfect formula for socialising: taking turns rather than leave their children, aged 5 and 8, alone at home. "I''m totally dissatisfied with life," says Anjali. "I feel miserable that I''m not being able to give myself fully either to my children or to my career. But I can''t leave my job."<br /><br /></div> </div><div class="section2"><div class="Normal">She has been contemplating it for the last eight years. In the meantime, pampering the maids and putting up with their tantrums takes priority over pampering the kids. "It''s worth it if it means coming back to a clean house and a cooked dinner. I have had my maids for five years now and life without them would be very difficult: it would mean waking up at four to fix the kids'' tiffins, our own lunch."<br /><br />What''s for dinner? That''s usually decided and conveyed over phone to the maid. As are instructions about the laundry, the pet''s walk and the kids'' medicines. "I feel constantly guilty that I can''t spend much time at home," I love to cook, but there''s never any time," says Sugandha Dubey who quit her job as marketing director to start her own firm eight months ago. She is still out of the house from ten to eight, but now she can make some time for her daughter. "But there''s no time for anything else. My walks and parlour visits - and my husband''s outings with friends - have to take a backseat."<br /><br />For many, the hardest part of the day is the first few minutes back home: you want some space to yourself, to put your feet up and distress, but your spouse wants to go out, your son needs help with maths, your daughter wants a bedtime story.... "Nuclear families have to work much harder at the business of parenting, they are more stressed. You are always on a short fuse so you tend to be harsher with your children," says Nandini Rastogi. She and husband and Sanjai, both Kanpur-based doctors, have demanding schedules and their two school-going children have got used to waking up and getting ready by themselves.<br /><br /><span style="" font-weight:="" bold="">What''s the trade-off?</span><br /><br />With two maids and in-laws around, Mumbai-based software programmer Shobita Gaitonde thought her situation was perfect. "No mother could ask for better infrastructure." One year down the line, she resigned. It wasn''t easy, she was passionate about her job and doing well. But the trauma of constantly worrying whether her baby daughter was safe was too much to bear. "You can outsource the whole thing, but you can''t outsource worry."<br /><br /></div> </div><div class="section3"><div class="Normal">The casualties of urban living notwithstanding, it''s a trade-off most modern couples/parents are willing to go for. The bottomline is simple: to get something, you have to give up something. "People who don''t work have their own share of problems, but at least we have more cash in hand, can go for holidays, give our children all the comforts. We also spend more quality time with them," says Sugandha.<br /><br />"At least, we have a good lifestyle," agrees Deepak Kohl. He and wife Naina are typical ''corporate types'' - he works with a big firm and she with a garment agency. Life for them is a blur: leave home by 8 am, back home by 10. Dinner by 10.30 and to bed by 11. "We have no time to spend with each other. Half the time you have office in your head and are snappy and irritated. But on weekends, we are out meeting friends, eating out, pubbing... in a small town we would be wondering what to do."<br /><br /><span style="" font-weight:="" bold="">Time crunch or yuppie kvetch?</span><br /><br />How much of a problem is time stress? US researchers call it ''yuppie kvetch'' - kvetch being Yiddish for complainer. Complaints about a busy lifestyle and lack of time are generally by well-off couples who have a lot of income and not enough time to spend it, they say: higher-income families experience more time stress because their wealth allows them to consume more, yet time limits their ability to exploit that wealth.<br /><br />Busy lifestyles amongst middle and upper-income families are not necessarily a bad thing - it may simply be a reflection of the opportunities available to them, says the study. It also found that people in good health are able to make better use of time, so they are less stressed.<br /><br />Researchers also predict that time stress is likely to increase in the future. As the economy grows, it will create more opportunities for people to consume more and do more. And it is possible that people will rationally choose to become busier so they can exploit those opportunities.<br /><br />Bottomline? Just strap up for the ride.<br /><br /><span style="" font-weight:="" bold="" font-style:="" italic="">With inputs from Deepthi Nair, Bangalore</span></div> </div>