Going bananas!

<div class="section1"><div class="Normal">I said, “Boss, how could you do this to me?� Boss looked alarmed. “What?� he said. I showed him the clipping. “Bananas may be wiped out in a decade,� it read.<br />Boss seemed at a loss so I pressed home the advantage, “You are trying to scare me into staying on, aren’t you?� “What nonsense,� he snapped.I said, “It’s not nonsense. You know I’m a miser and that I can’t cook to save my life.�<br />“So?� said Boss. “So, this,� I said, “if you take away the humble banana, I have nothing to live on away from home.� Boss shook his head and walked away. He looked hurt. Maybe he didn’t have a hand in this banana business. Come to think of it, he isn’t the kind...<br />But then, who? I walked down to Raju juicewallah. Some refreshment would help me think this afresh. <br />“One banana-shake,� I ordered. Banana-shake! Man, this chap sells dozens of banana-shakes in a day. There are hundreds like him in the city. Thousands in the country, apart from the hundreds of thousands who make a living growing and selling bananas. What a lobby! Maybe they were behind the report, trying to jack up prices...<br />I said, “Raju, how is business?� He said, “Not good. Barely covers costs.� I said, “Thinking of hiking rates, are you?� Raju nodded. Ha-ha, gotcha!<br />I pulled out the clipping. “You guys are behind this, aren’t you?� To my surprise, Raju started sobbing. “Boo-hoo, saab, what will we do without bananas. Shakes make up 20 per cent of our business.�<br />No-no, these people weren’t the conspirators. But then, who? “I know it is those Coke-Pepsiwallahs,� said Raju, “they’re bent upon ruining us.� That was it, billion-dollar MNCs up to their dirty old tricks! I ran to the office and shot off angry mails to the fizzy two. Within the hour, I had their almost identical replies, “Dear A, the report you refer to worries us immensely as we have a number of banana-based health foods in the pipeline...�<br />If not they, dear God, who was behind the conspiracy? God Himself? “It’s not any of our gods,� the local pujari assured me in the evening. “You know how fond of bananas Hanumanji is,� he said before adding, “I’m sure it is the mullahs or Pakistan...�<br />Of course, I didn’t believe him but, just to confirm, I wrote to Saddam—apna Saddam Hussein. <br />His reply was prompt as a Scud missile. “Dear A, you are barking up the wrong tree. I see a US hand in this. Please check with George W Bush before I shoot him.�<br />My friend Subbu agreed with Saddam. He said the American fast-food chains wanted to destroy the South-Indian tradition of eating off banana leaves. <br />So I wrote to the Prez. A week later, I got this reply: “Dear A, we have been pioneers in the cultivation of banana republics. Our involvement in the elimination of bananas is out of the question...�<br />True! But then, who? I now suspect my parents and those of countless other bachelors are behind this conspiracy. Maybe they’re trying to push us into matrimony. Who knows, it could even be a women’s ploy to get us into the kitchen...But not so soon, we have at least a decade on our hands yet!<br /><span style="" font-weight:="" bold="">abhilashgaur@indiatimes.com</span></div> </div>