‘I shed many layers of identity until I was nothing. And then, I found myself’

She’s often described as the feisty diva, the fearless trendsetter, the phenomenally talented performer. But when we spoke to her right after a recent spiritual sojourn which saw her take part in a silence retreat, she sounded like a whole new Kangana Ranaut — calm, composed and clear. Her signature candour was coated with an unmistakable tinge of kindness; the dry wit had given way to a gentle, self-deprecating humour; she was always clever, but now, she sounded wise beyond her years. She was just shy of 32 when she decided to gift herself eight days of silence ahead of her birthday. And it’s the best thing that happened to her, she confesses. “Now, it’s like I am reborn. I found myself. I am home…” she says matter-of-factly, before letting us in on the details. Excerpts from a conversation that unravels the spiritual side of the superstar. (Laughs) Did it sound like I wanted to shut the world, and myself, up? That wasn’t the idea, trust me. Anyway, I am not someone who is naturally talkative; I don’t spend a lot of time gossiping. So, I too didn’t understand the purpose of a silence programme when I first heard of it. But I later learnt that silence is not the end goal you are trying to achieve; it’s just a conducive condition created so that you experience something larger than yourself. That intrigued me. What is something larger than myself that could happen within me? I was game to find that out. Well, this wasn’t just about being quiet. You are not supposed to have any communication whatsoever — through words, gestures or even eye contact. You isolate yourself from everyone around you. The first three-four days I thought I was going crazy! My diet had changed, my environment had changed, and then, imagine not being able to say even something like, ‘Excuse me...’ And mind you, you are around 3,500 people all the time — eating, sleeping, meditating together, in one space — and yet, you don’t talk! That was a real challenge. Initially at least. Yes! The funny bit is, even when in a relationship, I am someone who prefers to sleep alone, in a separate room. It’s unsettling for me to share a room with someone. So the prospect of sleeping in a space which had thousands of people unnerved me. I must confess I did request if I could get a room of my own. I said, ‘I am ready to do everything else, but I just cannot sleep with so many people’. I was gently told, ‘But why do you need to sleep with anyone?You just have to sleep on your own...!’ (laughs). So, I was just another meditator there. The first two days I kept thinking, ‘What is going on?’. But slowly, I started realising why this was important. I was breaking my identity, one step at a time. It was the most difficult thing I did in my life, and at the same time, the most liberating. I wish everyone experiences it. The whole exercise of breaking your identity is about breaking this sense of who you are. But it’s not easy not to be somebody. We are constantly identifying ourselves with so many things unconsciously. And, it’s not the big things. You know how picky we get about that water bottle next to our bed, the charger, the kind of pillow to sleep on…? Little things like these become so important that they become a part of us and we don’t even realise it. But there I was sleeping with hundreds of people around me. I had no identity whatsoever. I was not an actress; not somebody’s daughter; not a house owner; I didn’t even have a bedroom of my own; I didn’t have my fancy clothes; no make-up; no mirror; no one knew me for what I am. After a few days, I was not even a woman! You’re just like a piece of meat rolling around; and eventually, you are not even that. You are nobody! It’s difficult to kill so many layers of what you thought was you in such a short span of time. Even when you go to a prison or a rehab, you go as yourself. But here, I was not Kangana. I was just a number. That apart, there was pain on many levels — on the physical level, psychological level, the pain of losing what you believed was yourself so rapidly... The more pain it caused, the more I realised how deep rooted these false identities were. But then of course the enlightenment that came with it, the freedom it brought, and that sense of being nothing — that’s something that one has to experience to understand. It was exhilarating. Well, I was a little disoriented for sure. I was like, ‘What do I do when I go back?’ I literally had to pile on everything back once again, layer by layer. But now it seems like it’s just an act. Everything seemed so real just a week ago, but now there is a distance between me and all those things I thought was me. It’s like putting on clothes. I know it’s not me! This is such a blessing in my life. All my life I was looking for something like this that would help me grow as a person and leave me rejuvenated; not something like a spa or a massage, but something that touched me a bit deeper. I just didn’t know where to find it. But I am so blessed to have finally found it... To answer that, I have to rewind back to the time when I was a child. When I was six, I remember something happened to me and that incident made me feel as if something had been violently pulled out of me. I don’t want to get into the details but it was a disturbing incident. From that day onwards the world seemed a bit unreal to me; it felt more like a dream. Nothing was the same again. Something changed in me after that. It shaped my whole personality, decided how I dealt with life and how I perceived everything. I remember doing things which are bizarre for any reasonable person to do; things which are completely against my survival. I was just 15 when I left home. I was homeless, sleeping on the streets of Mumbai... People assume that I came to Mumbai to become a movie star — I’ve never said that. You must understand that there were no movie halls in Himachal Pradesh where I grew up; the people in the hills are simple and have no ambitions. So this movie star life is not even a thought that occurred to me. I left home because I was missing something in my life and I wanted to find out that missing part of me. In the process, one thing led to another and I found myself doing a shoot, some modelling, and eventually landing a movie. I was caught up in this bubble of ambition because Mumbai is such an ambitious city. Back home, they don’t think success is a validation of your worth. But once I came to Mumbai, I thought maybe my parents don’t know any better; I thought maybe a successful career will get me the self-worth that was missing in me. Looking back though, I realise the strong-headed, bada*s that I was, I don’t think it’s self-worth that was missing. Anyway, I thought success is all I need. It’s around that time that I discovered Swami Vivekananda’s teachings. I dived into it head-on. He is all about being very systematic and methodical; he makes you a doer. He came to me at a turning point in my life. I did my sadhana, I focussed on my yoga and I became this career-obsessed person. It took me eight years, and I finally tasted the success that I wanted. These things are possible with yoga, let me tell you. But when success came, it was like a slap on my face. It felt like nothing. That’s when things got really bad for me. So bad that I felt like I’m shrinking. It was unbearable. Yes! I have been that rare person who has tasted both commercial success and critical acclaim. Everything was going as I wanted — I won the National Award; I was dating my childhood crush. But I could see that for the rest of my life now, I will do more films, I will meet more people, make more money. Yet, the emptiness I felt in me, I had to live with that forever. Every achievement or every big turn my life took left me feeling this isn’t it; this is not enough. I was always seeking something more. I have turned down fairness cream ad deals worth crores; I’ve refused to dance at award shows or weddings that offered me crores. So, I knew it wasn’t the money really. But then what was this ‘more’ that I wanted? I didn’t know. And that’s when, at what was a crucial turning point in my life yet again, I found my guru, Sadhguru. He told me, ‘You don’t want more; you want all! Because that’s the very nature of the human being. You want all of cosmos.’ He seemed to be giving words to my feelings. But how can I ever hold this big cosmos in my small arms? ‘To have the cosmos, you just have to be the cosmos…’ I learnt. And funny as it sounds, today I feel that yes, I am the cosmos. It may be a vast universe out there, but I am also a part of that universe. That’s what I learnt from my guru. Now finally, I feel that missing part has been instilled back in me. I would go as far as saying that my journey was not from Manali to Mumbai, but from Manali to a living guru; and thereby, to myself. Well, I think that’s the tragedy of our times. Whatever we learn in life, be it ABCD, or makeup tips or even gymming, we have the humility to say that we need a teacher, a mentor, an instructor who can show us how to do it. But when it comes to spirituality, everyone is like, ‘Oh my god, how can you follow a ‘guru’?!’ But I have always had gurus, be it Swami Vivekananda, whose teachings guided me in my initial days and made me the success that I am, or now, Sadhguru. I have no ego to admit that if someone can add to my life, and if all that person is asking for is trust, then why not? Devotion is another dimension of intelligence. It’s our loss if we deny ourselves that intelligence. Nothing. I’m home (pauses and smiles). Well, I will continue to work, continue to grow, continue to be Kangana. But all of it with a sense of abandon now. I think I have always bettered myself through yoga, sadhana etc. But for the longest time I was inconsiderate of the outside world. I didn’t have the aesthetic sense of being this fluid, lovable, social butterfly, if I may say so. My intensity was so much at any point, that I didn’t care how it came across to other people — did it look like anger? Or did it look like I was rude? But now, that awareness has come about. I am conscious of what kind of environment I am creating around me. If I am feeling beautiful inside, how am I making others feel around me? That has become just as important. Of course. My spiritual journey is an important aspect of my journey on the whole. So the people who guided me, how I have benefited from the ancient practices like yoga, and how it’s important to see God in people around us — for all we have is each other — all of these learnings from my life will find a place in the biopic. There’s no point otherwise. Until it happens though, I hope to keep blossoming.