I'm broken, but I'm learning how to live again: Krishi Thapanda

For months, actress Krishi Thapanda fought demons that no one else could fight for her. She stopped showing up, not just in public, but in her own life too. What happened in her personal life became conversation, controversy and commentary. But, for her, there was only silence and darkness. “I stayed alone in the house for months… in the dark, in silence,” she says. “I didn’t know what to do.” In her first exclusive interview following her ordeal, she says she's not here to explain her side or justify things, but to reclaim something far more basic: the right to heal.

'People judged me based on one incident'
“It felt like I was public property. Like in a movie theatre, anybody could come, say anything, and go,” Krishi says. What unsettled her most was not just what was said — but what wasn’t asked. “Nobody asked where it started from. Nobody cross-checked facts. One incident defined my entire life. People forgot who I was for 35 years.” She chose silence, but adds that came at a cost. “I stayed quiet and my silence was taken as weakness.”

'At one point, I did not have anyone around me'
When the noise peaked, Krishi withdrew completely. “I fought alone. I figured it out alone. I was isolated. I didn’t have anyone around me," she admits. The isolation, she says, slowly turned into something more dangerous. “I was suicidal… I didn’t know how I was still here.” She pauses, then adds, “My brain kept telling me, ‘You can live, you have dreams.’ But my body was not supporting me. It felt like my brain and body were not in sync anymore.”

'I wanted to give up on life… but I couldn’t'
The noise got so loud that Krishi says she had lost all hope. “I wanted to die, but I couldn’t,” she says, and adds, “So, I had to choose - either die or take help.” She then decided on reaching out to professionals for help. “I was told therapy is not enough, and needed psychiatric help, too. I am still taking both. Every week.” She has since been public about her battle with mental health. “There is no need to be embarrassed. When you are clinically depressed, you are not capable of doing it on your own. You need help," she tells us.

'At some point, even the word ‘strong’ started irritating me'
Krishi says what she needed most during that time was not strength to deal with the ordeal, but to have a safe space to share what was going on in her mind. “At some point, the word ‘strong’ started irritating me,” she says. “If I come to you, I don’t want to be strong. I want to be weak. I want comfort.” She explains how depression altered her perception of everything. “My doctor told me, it’s like wearing dark glasses and looking at the world. Everything feels dark.”

'Even today, I am scared to smile'
It's been months, but recovery, she says, is fragile — and easily disrupted. “Even today, I am scared to smile,” she admits. “Because I feel like if I look happy, it will trigger something again," she says, adding that it feels like there's no getting over something like this. “You take two steps forward… and something pulls you back again,” she says.

'The reel that blew up on my feed was my first ray of hope'
Showing her raw and unfiltered life on social media — where she broke down while finding the urge to get through — was not meant to go viral. It was just her way of journaling her life, one step towards healing, she stresses. “My doctor told me I have to start communicating in some way. I didn’t have the strength to talk to people, so I started recording my day. It became like journaling.” The response to that reel changed everything. “Until that day, I had only seen hatred. But after that reel, thousands reached out.” She recalls the messages that stayed with her. “Women told me, ‘From today, you are not alone. We are with you.’ That was my first ray of hope.”

'Creating content on social media kept me going'
Krishi now has a lot of clarity about the duality of the space she now depends on. “Social media can be as bad as it gets,” she says. “But it can also get you back on your feet.” Today, it is also her livelihood. “I have to show up. This is my bread and butter. Bills will not wait for me to get better.” Creating content, she says, gave her structure — and purpose. “It kept me going. It gave me work. It made me independent again.”

'I don’t want to explain anymore; I just want to live'
If there is one thing Krishi is certain about now, it is this: she no longer wants to justify her life. “I am not saying support me or talk good about me. Just don’t talk. Let it go. Let people live their life," she says, and adds, “My healing has just taken 10 steps. I have a long way to go.m, but I will keep working on myself. I'm broken, but I'm learning how to live again.”
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