Vir Das's funniest one liners

Here are some of the best one liners I have ever heard. Most of these gems, don’t actually come from comedians...
1. I did not have sexual relations with that woman: Bill Clinton made history, and the day of every comedian alive, when he uttered this wonderful statement. To clarify, he did not count his ‘oral’ activities as sexual relations. Most of us have been trying to ‘not have sexual relations’ for many years now.
2.It’s impossible to please everyone, and last night all those people were at my show: The genius comedy of Mitch Hedberg. Sums up that one bad gig that every comedian has once in six months. This gig usually happens when you are performing at an unearthly hour, after too much alcohol... or in Haryana.
3. Ghar pe maa behen nahin hain kya: I love it when women say that. It operates under the assumption that a guy who is an enthusiast of eve teasing will some how succumb to shame because he is reminded of the fact that he has family members. I like it when unreal optimism meets family trees. Most guys reply, “Haan hain, baap bhi hain, bhai bhi hain, aur ek kutta tommy bhi.”
4. Aam aadmi: This is one of the best terms I have ever heard coined in the last few years. It’s something that most political parties claim to care about, but usually activates a system of corruption that makes sure a common man can’t afford to buy mangoes.
5. Daler baja: At some point, every musical performer will find himself hearing these words when performing somewhere in the Northern belt. You could be a classical pianist, or a techno DJ but after enough Old Monk, at some point you will be tootak tootaking all night long.
6. Vote for me: I love it when politicians use this one. Never ceases to crack me up.
7. Yes we can: I love the optimism and cooperative spirit that Barack Obama exudes when he utters these lines. Here is my reply “Yes, you can, I’m going to watch Bigg Boss 5 in my underwear, that’s why I elected you.”
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them closer to my body:Baba Ramdev supporters please take note... once again I said ‘note’ not ‘notes’.
9. I just want to be friends: Never has there been a sweeter lie. When a woman says it, means ‘I never want to see you again.’ When a man says it, means ‘I want to defer the option of sleeping with you to a later date.’ You know who wants to be friends with you? The people who already are. By the way, once I am done with this column, I hope BT and I can still be friends...
10. I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it: The legendary Groucho Marx gets credit for this one. It describes how most of us feel at office parties, kitty parties, wedding receptions, movie premiers, blind dates, Republican national conventions, art shows, arranged marriage meetings and Commonwealth committee meetings.