Mumbai versus Delhi

The inimitable social commentator Suhel Seth lists out 17 differences in the way people party in the two cities
1 The folks in Mumbai go to parties to meet people, show off their new Diors and Bulgaris and then come back home wading through traffic and Thackeray posters. In Delhi, the reasons to go to a party are different: you must attend lest you get knocked off the list.In Delhi they practice Social Terrorism; if you don’t invite someone he will terrorise you, and if you do, he will make a mess of himself and still terrorise you.
2 In Mumbai, the parties start late and end early while in Delhi, the parties start early and end whenever the goddamn Minister leaves. So if the Minister leaves early, so do all his friends and god forbid, the Minister catches the fancy of the host’s wife, then you are history; yes, you might get to start an arms dealership but you can (never) kiss your wife goodbye.
3Generally, in Mumbai, people leave with the same people they came to the party with; in Delhi, it is all flexible: depends who ensnares who and how important the preying party is on the prey. So let’s say if there’s a Haryana hoodlum preying on someone you’ve come with to the party, then my advice would be to scoot rather than put up a fight: why have yourself killed for someone who in any case doesn’t give a toss?
4In Mumbai, people never snap their fingers and order their drinks by speaking to the attendants and/or bearers. In Delhi people carry their whole entourage to the party and at most times, the food as well. So the next time you are at a Delhi party and see one man walk in with four very (and better-looking) distinguished gents around him, he could either be Rohit Bal or for that matter an industrialist who travels with his folks to serve him.
5In Mumbai, the people you invite are normally the people you care about, and then you keep inviting them for the rest of their (and hopefully your) life. In Delhi, they follow the Telephone Directory syndrome; keep changing the list based on who is becoming more important. The worst sufferers are retired bureaucrats: one day they are Lords, and immediately on retirement, they are treated (and told) as paupers.
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6In Mumbai people will come to a regular party dressed as regular people unless of course they are coming from a film set erected for a TV reality show. In Delhi people dress up as Christmas trees lest people think they’ve suddenly lost a fortune or their husbands are winging their way to Tihar: as I have often said, the essential difference is that in Delhi a cow will dress like a swan, whereas in Mumbai a swan will want to dress as if she wasn’t born: the eternal size zero debate.
7In Mumbai, all extra-marital affairs start in private homes and then move into the public domain: in Delhi, all extra-marital affairs start in places like Parliament and then the penny drops and you say, what the heck? By then the concerned parties have lost their loved ones to some rogue or the other.
8In Mumbai parties, the emphasis is on how many people you can invite over given the large flats the honest builders of Mumbai have begun building: in Delhi, it is easy: if you want to invite 5,000 people, invite the Prime Minister and ask him to host the party; if you want to invite 1,000 people, then ask a junior cabinet minister and if you want only 100 do it in your house or at your farm: remember, in farmhouses of Delhi, the cows are the ones wearing the jewels and not the ones that can be milched!
9In Mumbai people talk to you at parties: in Delhi, they look but rarely talk: they look over your shoulder to see who’s coming and how relevant that person is: in Mumbai they look you up and down: in Delhi they keep looking up because they know the tragedies that abound beneath: so the next time you feel you are being used as a crutch, knock your head and you will realise you are in some Delhi party.
10Given the laws in Mumbai, you can never serve great booze: whereas in Delhi you can: so Delhi parties are infinitely better than Mumbai ones where food and alcohol is concerned: Mumbai believes Bade Mian makes the best kababs: in Delhi Bade Mian would not even be hired to operate a school canteen: so to be fair Delhi scores over Mumbai in the food department: but then we don’t have to worry about Kareena kind of sizes.
11In Mumbai, it is always black and if you are a banker then it’s a suit: in Delhi it is always black and if you are a crook, then it’s khadi and if you are a bigger crook, then it’s khadi but worn as a safari suit and for the biggest of them all, it is khadi and a Gandhi Cap (also known to the bright and beautiful of Delhi as the Anna cap): so choose your clothes well before attending parties in either of these cities.
12In Delhi, intellect is at a premium so don’t waste your time: in Mumbai it is all about the mind especially when you are part of Bollywood: I have to say, some of the smartest people are in Bollywood but they don’t know it. In Delhi some of the wickedest are in politics and thankfully we know it: so be careful how you handle conversations in either city: in one it could be about the new premiere and in Delhi it may well be about another premier: get the drift?
13In Delhi people abuse the host and the food just as the snacks are being served: the folks in Mumbai are much politer and given they have longer distances to travel, they save it for the car journey home which is why Aravind Adiga’s The White Tiger could have never been set in Delhi: the people don’t need drivers to communicate: they say it themselves.
14In Mumbai, you must have some high-priestesses at every party to ensure you don’t get the rough end of the stick in the media or elsewhere: in Delhi you have to call the Editors and the owners: that automatically scares off the journos: besides, there is always the last resort available in Delhi: the Mauser pistol: so if things get too bad, then a scribe will have to die for his story: no pun intended.
15In Mumbai, when you arrive at a party on time, you almost always have to wait for the other guests for at least another half an hour: in Delhi when you arrive at a party on time, you almost always have to wait for the host for about an hour: so choose timing well.
16In Mumbai, people generally call up the next day to thank the host unless of course they’ve skidded off the Sea Link trying to avoid running over a Mumbai traffic cop who is asking for some speed(ing) money: in Delhi you never thank the host the next day: you make them sweat: you make them wallow in thoughts of whether their party was a huge hit and then you put it up on Facebook…just so that the friends they didn’t invite, never talk to them: parties in Mumbai are for fun; parties in Delhi are generally to keep people in check.
17Finally, Mumbai has a non-threatening environment as far as parties are concerned. Why for instance don’t we have a Delhi Times party? We can’t. If there ever was a Delhi Times party, you would need riot-police to check the number of gate-crashers driving in with red-light flashing cars. So while Mumbai is civil, Delhi is still a bit primitive but then Delhi is catching up. Remember Delhi will also host the Formula 1: which Mumbai never can. If the redoubtable Lata Mangeshkar objects to the Pedder Road flyover can you imagine what the singer in her will do with all the screeching noise from those cars?
In sum, both are great cities: one has still preserved its sanity. The other is busy losing it. Have a blast and a happy 17th to you, Bombay Times!