Love is gender blind for pansexual people like me: Anagha

As humans, we are guilty of looking at the world around us as either male or female. Always binary. Nothing else. But in reality, the world doesn’t work that way. There is a wide spectrum between ‘male’ and ‘female’. And within that spectrum, there are people who could be attracted to men, women, transpeople, gender fluid, or all of them. Welcome to the world of pansexuality. For someone who identifies as pansexual, love is gender blind. So, a pansexual may be romantically, emotionally or sexually attracted towards people regardless of their sex or

gender identity

. That said,

pansexuality

is an umbrella term. All pansexuals may not be okay with dating people of all sexual orientations or gender identities. But the awareness about this is so less; when I say I am pansexual, people ask me, ‘does that mean you get attracted to pans?’ these questions sound very stupid, but truth is, people genuinely don’t understand.

I discovered i was pansexual at 23
When I was a teenager, I too thought that people are all monogamous. But I studied in an all-girls school, and I discovered that all my classmates had a crush on one girl or the other — be it seniors or teachers. Once, I was kissed by a girl and I liked it. It didn’t feel weird; in fact I enjoyed it. It felt like the most natural thing. At that point, I was like, ‘ok! I am not straight, I am bisexual’. But that belief changed when I met someone who didn’t identify as male or female. She was a transgender woman, who was born a man but transitioned to a woman by getting a surgery done. When I got attracted to her, I realised I am not bi-sexual either. I did some research and found that I am ‘pansexual’. I was 23 at
that time!

How I found out I was polyamorous as well
Ever since I was a child, I could never relate to the concept of marriage or having one boyfriend. I used to run away from people who told me that they loved me, even if I loved them back. The idea of being in a relationship with just one person for the rest of my life, and having my identity attached to that person, as his girlfriend/wife scared the hell out of me. I always felt that my love can’t be restricted to just one person. but I did try a monogamous relationship once — just once — because it generally works for everyone else and I really wanted her to be with me, but things didn’t work out.
Since monogamous heterosexual relationships are the only kind I saw around me, I thought that’s normal. So, I decided that I’d probably live my life out staying single. That is when I discovered that there is a word for people like me — polyamorous. Now, I am dating two people. One of them identifies as gender queer and the other as female. Most of my friends know about my orientation, though not all are able to relate with it. But at least, they now understand that it is a possibility. So, that’s a blessing. As for parents, there is always this unwritten rule that you are not supposed to talk about sex or sexuality with them, isn’t it? So, I never had a conversation with my parents about it. but I am pretty sure they know that I am attracted to not just men. While my orientation is one thing, getting their head around me being polyamorous is something else all together. The last time when I was at home, a bunch of my relatives asked me why I’m not getting married. They said I don’t even have to get married to a boy my parents pick. They said I can marry whoever I want to. I said to them, ‘I don’t want to get married because I am in love with more than one person and I don’t believe in the institution of marriage’. I never had an emotional breakdown because I never cared about fitting in or being accepted by society.

The ethics of polyamorous relationships
Generally, monogamy might make sense for people who want children and have to deal with other practical problems. But I was clear I don’t want to get into that. I didn’t want to settle down with one person and have kids and I can’t compare my love with one partner with another partner. Since the time I became sexually active, I used to mention to partners on the very first date that I’m seeing other people, too. Some were okay with it, some were not. I did not continue to see those who were not okay with it. That’s the key aspect of

polyamory

— you should have a relationship with others only with the consent of your existing partner/s. If you are not telling your existing partner, you are cheating; that not being polyamorous. That’s un-ethical and non-monogamy.
There are different ways to classify ethical non-monogamy. The simplest and easy to understand classification is into two:

Open relationship

: Sexual relationship with more than one person, but emotionally and romantically involved with a single person (the primary partner).
Polyamory: Here, you have sexual, emotional, and/or romantic relationships with more than one person. There are two broad categories of polyamorous relationships. Hierarchical polyamory, where you have a primary partner, and all other partners are secondary. This is like an open relationship, but you are also involved emotionally/romantically; not just sexually. Then, there’s what is called ‘relationship anarchy’. Here, you don’t have a primary partner. You don’t follow the societal norm of relationships, but the relationship is based on your understanding with your partner. This relationship could be sexual, emotional, romantic, platonic, or a combination of any of these factors.
That’s what I am following right now. ten years from now, I imagine having all the people I love staying in a house, sharing all our resources. For now though, work needs to be done to ensure that people are aware of polyamory and pansexuality. People should be told that it’s not abnormal and that it’s ok to be this way. That is what I am doing now.