SOTTO VOCE: Batting for Balbir

So the search for the Indian cricket coach goes on. Problem is, no firang coach will ever survive the politics that is part and parcel of cricket in India. And no Indian coach comes close to the job requirement. So what's the solution? I'd like to propose the name of Balbir Singh. Balbir who??? Flashback to 1996.
Team Ferrari was desperate. It hadn't won the Formula One championship for 10 years.So it got itself a new car, and a new driver - Michael Schumacher. And it got Balbir Singh, said to be a 'wonder guru', with mysterious spiritual powers that would help it win.
Whatever it was that Balbir did, the results were incredible. Schumacher went on to win five consecutive World Championships, becoming the greatest driver the sport has seen, and putting Team Ferrari right on top again. And much of the credit was given to Balbir, who London's Financial Times once called "the power behind the Schumacher throne". Wow!
Balbir's background is a mystery. And he himself is strangely secretive. Some claim he was a 'fakir from Calcutta'. Others say he was an Amritsar boy who met a German tourist, married her, went back to Germany, and became a physiotherapist. Somewhere along the way, he somehow connected with Ferrari. And the rest is Formula One history. So what exactly could Balbir do for our cricket team? Admittedly he knows nothing about cricket. But then he knew even less about Formula One racing and that didn't seem to hinder him in any way.
So let us look at what he did for Team Ferrari and extrapolate. His role was a cross between trainer, confidant and guru, making Schumacher "the best prepared F1 race car driver in the history of the sport". His exact methods were top secret. But sources say he helped Schumacher create a winning mindset through meditation; mixed magical Ayurvedic potions; "looked after his soul"; even cooked his food.
Ultimately the two developed such a psychic bond that "they could simply look at each other and know what the other was thinking". When Balbir left Team Ferrari in 2006, Schumacher was devastated. Shortly afterwards he retired. Today, Balbir devotes his time to his wife and kids in Cologne. Which means he's a world-beating trainer; he's Indian; and he's available. Hey, will somebody please give the guy a call?