Self-love Is Not Selfishness

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection," said Buddha. Our self-centred lives may suggest we love ourselves rather well. Yet, despite pampering ourselves with the best of what life has to offer, we still suffer from sadness, despair, anger, loneliness, incompleteness, rejection, helplessness and bitterness. The attention we lavish upon ourselves disproves that we don't love ourselves enough. However, our insatiate longing for harmony and happiness means that we don't love ourselves the right way.Given our ethical conditioning, many balk at the overt thought of self-love, even though it is nearly impossible for it not to exist. This is because we confuse self-love with selfish disregard for others. The benign state of self-love is unconditional self-acceptance - which does not in any way preclude love for others - and is therefore not the same as its malignant form, narcissism.Loving oneself is the prerequisite for loving others andfor others to love us. We are made by our reactions to people and situations -extensions of our own feelings and thoughts. Our inability to like, love,respect and trust ourselves therefore comes back to us as feelings of inadequacyand unworthiness.Strangely, most of us lie at the extremes: weeither gloat or groan excessively, forever boastful or regretful for who we are.It is, therefore, naïve to equate our self-centredness with trueself-reverence. Self-reverence is not just about being in constant communionwith ourselves and our higher state, but also about gaining enhanced clarityregarding the people around us.However, much of our sense of selfgets shaped by how we want others to see it and so we constantly compareourselves with them. The focus isn't so much on honing and harnessing ouroriginality as it is on being one up on the rest.True self-lovedoesn't incubate in the perceptions of others. Since that is where we seek ouridentity, no measure of accomplishment or possession is ever enough for us tofeel good about ourselves. Our over-dependence on external adulation andreassurances leaves us feeling anxious, sceptical and powerless, corrodingself-value and pushing us so hard to stay ahead that the pressures andcompulsions of performance eclipse the joy of being. Even in public life, ourrole models happen to be people whose sense of self-importance is driven more bytheir misled egos than affectionate views of their real selves.Egois what separates us from the rest of the universe. Our ego invariably finds anexpression in pride and haughtiness and is often what makes us our worstenemies. It must, therefore, not be given a free rein to block out our soul andworld view. Instead, it should be acknowledged and befriended to allow us toextricate ourselves from its subservience and transform its energy into areinvigorating force of existence that helps us connect with our aspired selfand see the other facet of spirit.Whatever the medium - overcomingthe control-freak in us, taking on our fears and insecurities, or dealingpositively with what annoys us - this can keep us from squandering our energieson brooding over insignificant things that makes us continually looking forsomeone to blame. Loving oneself the right way is clearly about turning the egointo a benefactor instead of aburden.