Kerala turns divorce capital of India. Here’s why!

Ever since the news and stats on Kerala being at the top of the list in the country’s

divorce

rates were out, questions have been tossed around on why it’s so.

From the easiest assumptions like girls being ‘independent and disobedient’ to ‘partners coming out as gay or lesbian,’ imagination has been running wild. Though there is no official data with the Court or the State as to why couples separate, experts point out some of the most common reasons. Kochi Times explores…

Women know their rights and demand them too
Officials from forums such as the Women’s Commission, Family Courts and counselling centres are of the opinion that unlike in the past, women are increasingly aware of their rights today, while the men are not. Dr Lissy Jose, Women’s Commission member, explains, “Regardless of the strata of the society that they belong to, women are knowledgeable about their rights in the country, thanks to education and even seminars by forums like Kudumbashree. This means they don’t tolerate anything that they don’t have to, anymore, and are seeking legal aid when needed. We have also noticed that often, many men still think that they can get away with mistreatment within the four walls of a house. This is one of the most common reasons for divorce.”

Financial dependence on partners? That’s history!
There was a time when one of the partners, most often the wife, had to ‘get used to’ the demands of marriage, being financially dependent on the husband. “That is not the case anymore and so, incompatibility isn’t tolerated now,” says P Jayaprakash, a lawyer from Ottapalam, who has dealt with many such cases. Adding to his view, Anitta Joseph, a counsellor, adds, “Times are such that our youngsters prioritise financial stability before getting into a committed relationship. Often, the reason for the same is that they shouldn’t have to compromise their happiness their whole life, for the sake of money.”

What happens in bedroom, stays in it, no more
In the past, sexual incompatibility was not considered a valid enough reason to end a marriage. But that has changed, say experts. Youngsters now ‘dare’ to cite them as reasons to separate. Anitta explains, “Though people are educated, they still focus on the compatibility of the families and material things, while choosing a partner. We hardly talk about sex, though it is an extremely important aspect of marriage. Most couples discover their issues only after the wedding, and many shy away from family guidance or even counselling. Blame games start off, and end up in divorce.”
Gadgets and the internet
At a time when electronic gadgets and the internet are often considered the ‘root causes’ for many societal issues, they figure as primary reasons for divorces too. Jayaprakash says, “It’s easy for partners to have extramarital link ups now via modern technology avenues and once caught, it often leads to divorce. Similarly, pornographic websites exaggerate various aspects of sexual relationships. Because of this, expectations are often sky high, while the reality turns out to be drastically different.”

Nuclear families
Family court counsellor K P Muhammad says, “Many kids don’t grow up sharing and caring or adjusting with extended family, because of the nuclear family culture. The attachment levels will be high, and both the child and parents would easily find reasons to get rid of the new member of the family.” Divya Pillai (name changed on request), a divorcee, says, “Problems in marriages triggered by in-laws were always part of our culture. Just that the generation now does not subscribe to the idea of ‘tolerating it all for the family’. They just cut the ties and move on.”

Change of culture
‘Till death do us part’ was the norm of marriages so far, but now, the stigma associated with divorce is slowly fading, say experts. Dr Lissy says, “Women in our State would earlier not even think of the possibility of a second wedding, but not now. If things aren’t working out at any level — whether it makes sense to the rest of the world or not — they move out of the marriage.” According to Anitta, this is also the reason why we see couples, who are even married for decades, deciding to call it quits.

Surprising reasons
Interestingly, there are certain reasons that might sound funny but end up as the ‘terminators’ in marriages in Kerala. “Some of them are lack of personal hygiene, ego issues due to better salary or educational qualifications, absence of similar interests and even not getting along with the partners’ friends,” says a counsellor.

The ideal way forward
It’s time that our families get the priorities right, say experts. Many suggest pre-marital counselling as a solution that can go a long way in helping couples stay together. Jayaprakash says, “Like how Christian couples are asked to take a pre-marital counselling session before marriage, all youngsters should be taken through family life education sessions, which can inculcate awareness in them about the expectations, changed circumstances and mindsets of families. Instead of matching horoscopes, this is the need of the hour.”

Adds Muhammad, “The government too can step in and do their bit. They should think of a family life education module, like the value-oriented education system we once had. Such reforms in the educational sector are the need of the hour, to save the families”

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