Is it right to keep money secrets from your partner?

This story was first published in ET Wealth on April 8, 2012. The story holds true for the times we live inWell, everybody does. Unless they are aiming for sainthood or living up to some hackneyed romantic ideal. Forgotten bank accounts, hidden credit cards, compressed bills, stretched increments...all add up to the same thing. The real question is: do you need to fess up?Only if you have signed up for a no-holds-barred, tell-all relationship. Or if it is a couple ritual to buddy-talk about everything you do, want to do, feel or want to feel. For nothing in the intimacy rule book says you aren’t allowed a secret, or maybe two.Problem is they are never judged for what they are. Secrets are always suggestive. They come with baggage: if there is something that can’t be shared, it must be wrong. And it’s only worse if the secrets are about money, the notorious relationship wrecker.“Logically, I shouldn’t be upset if my wife spends or invests her money without telling me. But I’ll admit, if I discovered it later, I would feel betrayed,” says a 29-year-old senior consultant, married for four years. Prodded some more, he elaborates: “If she hasn’t told me, she either doesn’t trust me enough or has something more to hide.”The sub-text is that she is either having a clandestine affair or their relationship is moldering elsewhere and it shows up in money matters. His apprehensions are valid. Both cases are possible. But is a blanket ban of secrets the solution? That’s like saying whatever the disease, I promise there will be no symptoms.Opacity about money could also be a result of behavioural oddities. A tight git will never let you in about a windfall. An incorrigible spendthrift will lock up an extra credit card in the office drawer. The unfaithful will invent new ways to be surreptitious. In all such cases, the problems lie elsewhere. Why slam secrets as the culprits? medium91371025And though many people refuse to believe it, some secrets are just for the heck of it. Especially ones about money. Everybody loves their money more than is polite to reveal. More difficult to admit is that the relationship is super personal. So sometimes, we may want to indulge it, no questions asked.Marking territoryIn fact, some argue that how you spend your money is an integral part of the modern concept of “my space”. It is an expression of independence in a relationship that allows both partners to just be. But a 28-year-old animator will have none of it: “You can’t unilaterally decide what to tell and what to hide. My husband was in Malaysia for a project and received a daily allowance during his stay. I had no clue about it till I was selected to go to Singapore. Then he suggested I check what my office offered.But what happened to the money he saved from his per diem?” And then comes the big accusation: He lied to me. I was appaled. medium91371013Operational bluesThat’s the thing about stealth: when it plays out, it bloats your offence list in other ways. Remember the times you lopped off a couple of thousands when asked about the price of a fancy gizmo? It is called lying. Or when you hid a new bottle of perfume deep into your closet? That’s sneaky. And stashing away a mid-year bonus for a round of poker with friends? It screams selfish.The only way to spare your soul unnecessary blemishes is to make no secret of keeping secrets. Fewer questions mean fewer fibs and lower expectations means lower guilt. It will also save you the hassle of questioning your partner’s commitment every time you stumble over something in a cheque book or a bill you didn’t know about.“My husband and I contribute to a monthly pool and electronic transfers from the bank take care of investments. We don’t keep tabs on what happens to the left over in each others’ accounts. It is good to retain some of the pre-marriage freedom,” says a 24-year-old banker, fresh off celebrating her first wedding anniversary.The arrangement does wonders to her sense of security too: “I feel in control when I can do things with my money and don’t have to tell my partner about it. It reduces the need to indulge in power games.” medium91370986She refers to another advantage in jest. That if the duo ever fell apart, she would feel “so relieved that he did not know everything”. Counsellors are less abashed about saying the obvious: salt away some cash because ever afters are guaranteed only in movies. These days, not even in them.But there are two situations in which no strategy, no logic works. One, if the secret involves sniping about income. You can’t get away with, “Darling, I didn’t tell you about the big fat bonus because it would rock our budget.” Or the opposite, “I wanted you to feel proud of me so I inflated my increment.” And the second is if you have married into the mafia. Don’t say you want to know what no one in the world does?