Testy time

If mantris sat for exams, how would they fare?

Now that cockroaches are swarming all over the place, we put ministries in the exam hall to see how they’d perform. Their published results too bristled with discrepancies. Most of them got the highest and lowest marks – depending on who examined the answer sheets, sarkar itself or janata. Naturally, Opposition was kept out. Here are the scores.   

Education: This should have led this list, but its abysmal ranking is being media mauled every day; no need to repeat.  

Home: This is permanent headliner, so let’s begin with it instead. Even many external examiners gave it 100%; and everyone can see how hard it works to achieve its goals. But there was no ‘rah-rah’ from those it told to ‘ja ja’. In the Elections paper, lakhs had cried ‘SIR, too many illogical discrepancies in my results.’ In WB, it was too late for those who failed – including star student Banerjee M.  During the CAA exam, in centres such as Delhi, Assam and UP, many had shouted,  ‘Can’t Accept Annihilation, please reassess our papers!’ Border Security exam, similar grievances. As for conventionally contentious Centre-State Relations paper, with Home party’s strike-rate, it could well be merged with History.

Finance: Clinton’s ‘It’s the economy, stupid’ is now ‘It’s the stupid economy’. Suno-ji, we’ll soon be world’s 5th largest, so kindly do not bring up killjoy subjects like rising prices/unemployment, falling rupee/stock market. If Mr Trump hadn’t happened, finance ministry might have had to invent him. 

Defence: Classified 

External Affairs: PM hugs, EAM squeezes. 90% 

Women: Maternal mortality rate, 80%; reproductive health, 18%. Sexual safety, 30%. Welfare schemes, 90% (but plenty ghuspethiyas here too). Ouff, so what if  KPMG Report said low labour-force participation, 65% mid-career attrition,  only 1%  board presence compared to 79% aspiration? See how high women now score in cricket, etc.

Infra: Top-rank for PM GatiShakti National Master Plan, but road safety: 53 crashes, 19 dead every hour. Mega projects 90%, but 9% for mega human, social, environmental costs.

Net-net, we now wow the world. Except when we litter, pilfer, bhangra. 

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Alec Smart said: “If I kill a cockroach will I be anti-Gen Z?”