Emotional Infidelity: A bigger sin?

Ithappens with most people at some point of time; when emotions betray theirmorals and principals.
Everyrelationship abides by an unsaid rule about keeping your love and emotionstogether, of sharing everything, right from your daily concerns and problems toyour emotional dilemmas with the person that you're in love. But what if yoursoul finds comfort in the sanctuary of someone you can neither call your loverand neither just your friend? When you find someone special with whom you sharea deep emotional connect, are you betraying your loved one and indulging inemotional infidelity? We explore...
An emotionalconnect
Emotional adultery is whenyou embark on an emotional relationship with someone other than your partner."Emotional infidelity is when a partner shares intimate feelings with anotherperson, other than his/her partner, and is perhaps preoccupied with thoughts ofthat person and even craves for spending more quality time with him/her.It isany situation that creates or causes some degree of emotional unavailability,along with affecting the quality of one's existing relationship as a whole,"explains Dr. Sanjay Chugh, apsychiatrist.
"It all started with the 'we're justfriends' thing. But the connection became very obvious by the long hours wespent talking intimately on phone and the vibes that were being set off by bothof us. We gelled so beautifully with each other that sharing personal matterstook us just one week," shares Arpana Sanjogi (name changed), an HR managerabout her friend of two years. "I didn't know what to call our relationshipinitially... but now I know my friend means nothing less to me than my man!" sheadds further. Though Aparna asserts that it is only her husband that she loves,she dreads the day he could find out about her emotionalstraying.
"I was going througha low phase in my relationship just months before I broke off with my live ingirlfriend. It was precisely at this time that I met this incredible woman inoffice with whom I started sharing a great emotional bond. Being on parprofessionally helped us bond regarding our career, and having similar traitsdrew me towards her on a more human level. It was an unspoken bond and though wenever confessed our feelings we were deeply bonded. Even if I didn't see her fora single day I felt restless- missing her more than words could ever express,"confesses 31-year-old media professional Dushyant Rajyavardhan who eventuallybroke off his affair, moved by the strength of his new found emotional anchor.
Emotional deceit:A bigger sin?
Is emotionalattachment to someone else other than your partner a more blatant betrayal thana physical adulterous affair? "If my husband has a one night stand, it wouldhurt. But if I catch him having an emotional affair, it will certainly knock thewind out of me. An emotional involvement is definitely harder to accept becauseit means mentally he belongs to someone else," says Sulekha Prakash, a bankemployee. While Sulekha finds emotional infidelity to be a bigger offence,Suhail Sinha, a travel website manager, disagrees. "One can't tag sharing yourfeelings with someone as a betrayal! As long as one's spouse/partner is comingback to the same bed to sleep at night, they can't be blamed for cheating," heretaliates.
To say that oneturns infidel only when there is a lull in the relationship or when theresponsibility of raising children and paying bills takes over is a misguidednotion. "Though this question is entirely subjective, but no matter what thesituation, emotional unfaithfulness means that you are undermining the personthat you are with, as against giving in to physical lust. And it's definitelyvery painful," says Anita Singh, a Mumbai-basedpsychiatrist.
But for thosewhose self esteem is based on their relationships, an emotional estrangement canspell doom. At such times to have someone who makes you feel wanted and loved isan irresistible desire. "I was just out of a messy divorce and I met this guy atmy yoga centre. Though he was five years younger than me, just talking to himmade me feel wanted again. He also used to compliment my looks and dressingwhich came as a welcome breather after my ex husband who never noticed me as awoman," confides 36-year-old Jagriti Sen who still continues to be involved withher friend.
Isit the end of relationship?
A pollconducted by Timesofindia.com revealed that while 40 per cent of the people wereready to forgive their infidel partners, 60 per cent believed that once a crackwas formed, it would break the walls of the relationship that they are boundby.
Though, infidelity, be itphysical or emotional, comes at a high price, dealing with the latter is mucheasier as the chances of things working out between you and your emotional soulmate are much higher. Yet, the chances of an emotional betrayal catapulting intoa physical one are incredibly high.
"For five years I waited formy beau to come back and realise his mistake," says Himani, a governmentemployee from Delhi, whose husband was so mesmerised by his cousin that herefused to sleep in the same room as Himani. "Though he claimed that he neverformed any physical relations with his cousin, I later got proof that he did. Itwas only for the sake of my 3-year-old daughter that I am now trying to workthings out on his insistence," she adds.
Jayant Sood, a graphicsdesigner from Delhi believes that emotional dependency can be comparativelyinnocuous especially in the case of women. "Most men, with their typical maleego and sexual jealousy, would think of emotional dependence as being wrong, butit can be worked upon. But physical submission means part of her has been takenby someone else implying the end of the relationship," he says. Dr. Chughhowever offers a different view. "It is totally an individual perception andshould not be generalised. People have heir own definition and threshold oftolerance. What might be okay for someone may not be the same for the other," hefeels.
"One needs to lookwithin for reasons as to why their partner gravitated towards the other person,rather than simply passing the buck onto him/her. If your partner has cheated onyou emotionally, locate what drove him/her in that direction. Trying tounderstand the reason of this drift is important if you want to restore intimacyin your relationship. Finding answers helps a great deal to see the wholesituation in totality," adds Dr.Singh.
The best and the onlyway to deal with emotional infidelity is to find out what exactly is wrong withyou that is prohibiting your partner from sharing emotionally with you. Theworst you can do is point fingers at your partner and broaden the sea ofemotional insecurity that already prevails between you both. A non-egoisticconversation is the only way the situation can be tackled and is the only wayyou can ensure that your partner returns to you physically and more importantlyemotionally - each and every single day of your life.