This story is from March 1, 2009

Dealing with after marriage sobs

MONIKA RAWAL / Mar 1, 2009, 00:00 IST

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Most married couples seem to be falling out of love once the mundane reality of living together under one roof settles down.

Most married couples seem to be falling out of love once the mundane reality of living together under one roof settles down.
People change. Your spouse isn't likely to be exactly the same person you once dated. After the end of the honeymoon phase in a marriage, the virtual masks worn by most couples is discarded as their true personalities emerge. No doubt, partners start taking each other for granted! They may have chosen each other on some likeable qualities; but, once the romantic love wears off, the same virtues turn out to be relationship wreckers.
We bring the most common changes that most couples crib about post marriage.
WHEN GIRLFRIENDS BECOME WIVES

1) No weighty issues: Your girlfriend may have everything from rigorously working-out in the gym, power yoga or even drinking bitter karela juice to bag those curves. But most men complain that the moment she becomes your wife, that extra flab is back on as women tend to give up on themselves. The battle of the bulge often resumes post maternity and you are forced to cope with love handles and ugly stretch marks.
Her justification:

"Oh come on, we are married now. I don't have the stamina to workout so much. You should love me the way I am."
Quick fix: Instill values of fitness in the domestic environment. Invest in some fitness equipment at home. Buy a treadmill, cycle, waist belt etc and work out at your convenience. Even an aerobic routine can be of help and to pep up the rigorous session, indulge in a power packed couple work out. Trust us, the sex is awesome post a gruelling fitness regime.
2) Looks to kill: While regular facials, beauty treatments and parlour visits were the top priority for her during your affair to ensure that she looked her prettiest when going out on a date, the tables often turn post the saath pheras! Forget a beautiful, gorgeous looking wife waiting for you back home, rather you might have her sporting her worst hairdos and ugly night gowns when you walk in the front door.
Her justification: "I can either manage the household work or look beautiful for you. Balancing my career and the household needs keeps me too busy to spare any time for any beauty treatment."
Quick fix: Even if you are caught up with household work the entire day, try sparing a few minutes towards evening to get dressed nicely just before your hubby is about to ring the doorbell. And just to commend your lady for the special effort invested, bring her some fresh roses to bring alive the romance and remind her of just how special she is. Also, surprise her one evening by whisking her away on an extra-special and indulgent date!
3) Cook it up: It's every man's dream to get a wife who's a perfectionist in culinary skills. As a girlfriend, most women try and woo the man by trying her hands to toss up a culinary surprise. But the worst comes to the fore when you get married. Not only does your Mrs. behave like an amateur in the kitchen, but many times may also blame you for not hiring a maid to cook.
Her justification: "I learnt only a few dishes just for you, now can we order some good food from a restaurant or hire a cook?"
Quick fix: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Don't panic if you don't know how to cook. Grab an easy to master cookery recipe book for the initial days and then gradually learn to experiment to stir up a surprise for your better half. Befriend your mother-in-law by taking tips on what's your hubby's favourite recipe. His mother's patented gajar ka halwa maybe all it takes to whip up the flames of passion.
4) Give me some time: Women are known to be over possessive about their men. Before marriage, every minute from her timetable is dedicated towards accommodating you, meeting you, calling you, shopping for you. But with a wife things are quite the opposite. Her kitty parties take the upper hand and her outing with friends gets priority over you.
Her justification: "When you're in office, I get bored, so I seek for some quality time with my friend circle. I can't give a minute-to-minute report of what I am doing now can I?"
Quick fix: Maintain that over possessiveness for your man, even if you have love hanging out with your gal pals. Otherwise the lack of attention can lead to distractions on his behalf.
When boyfriends become hubbies
WHEN BOYFRIENDS BECOME HUBBIES
1) Wait as much as you can: Remember the time when you were having an affair, he used to be over punctual and report dot on time, just about anywhere. But things don't remain the same after marriage. While late-night at work is part of his professional schedule, frequent meetings that get unduly delayed are also part of being a successful man's wife. And well, he may not even bother to care that you're waiting back home.
His justification: "Most of my time is for you when I'm at home. So, there's no point fighting, if I come late at night. I have office work too you know."
Quick fix: Don't expect your wife to wait endlessly for you. Instead, pick her from a given point and then move on together for a meal together, so there's no question of the either of you reaching late or leaving the other partner feeling dejected and neglected. In case of late-night shifts, seek help from your colleagues to swap shifts at times, so that you can make it home early.
2) No shopping: Your boyfriend didn't mind taking you out for shopping frequently and buying you the most beautiful and expensive brands. Shelling out the big bucks was never an issue. But most husbands posses a 'please-spare-me attitude'. They would also make sure you don't spend extravagantly on items that they think are not worth an excessive splurge.
His justification: "You've already got an overloaded wardrobe, why are you buying clothes again. Didn't I see you with same Mango bag last month? You already want another one?"
Quick fix: Accept the fact that women are shopping freaks and your wife is no exception. Allow her to buy the brands she thinks suit her best. After all, the best way to make her forgot her cribbing or make up for a bitter argument is by splurging on her. Every woman loves being treated like a princess.
3) Gifts galore gone: Girls love surprises and more so when boyfriends flood them with cute gifts every now and then. Be it on the first date, Valentine's Day, Friendship Day, anniversaries or birthdays, guys love showering their women with precious gifts, but no sooner that they turn into husbands, gifting becomes an occupational hazard.
His justification: "Darling, you've got me as the biggest gift n your life, what else do you want? I am yours so why would you still want those cards, flowers or anything else?"
Quick fix: If you can't indulge your woman too frequently, gift her something every month and make sure your action is spontaneous and heart felt.
4) Forget public display of love: Men always insist on getting cosy with their gals, be it at home, driving or even at public places. Holding hands, tender touching or intimate hugs while walking, guys prefer physical closeness. But one wonders where this love vanishes when the twosome get married! The man, most times, refrains from indulging in romantic moments publicly.
His justification: "You know how much I love you sweetheart. There's no need to express it overtly every time we go out. It's embarrassing for a much married couple to cuddle at public places."
Quick fix: You're married now, so let go of the qualms about physical intimacy. If you're going out with her, hold her hands tenderly at movies or just give her a quick, warm hug to remind her how much you just love holding her against you. It will keep the sparks alive no matter how old your relationship is.
5) All days are the same: This may irk most men, but it's a fact! Men, especially married ones, can't remember important days and dates and so much so that wife's birthday and anniversary also slips out of their minds. On the contrary, while in a relationship with their then-girlfriend, they would not only remember hers but her kin's special occasions.
His justification: "You are my wife now, so it's good if you remind me of all birthdays and anniversaries, so that I can call and wish. I can't remember so much on my own you see.��
Quick fix: Don't expect your wife to remind you about every single important occasion. Keep reminders and alarms in your mobile phone and surprise her by remembering things just when she's assumed you have forgotten. The anniversary of your first kiss, your first date or the day you got engaged can evoke nostalgic memories that both of you will cherish in the days to come.
monika.rawal@indiatimes.co.in

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