Bond with your partner sans sex

There are those moments in your relationship, when sex is the last thing on your mind. Days, when you just want to curl up with your partner and read out poetry to him.
Remember, in your courtship days, these were the small means by which you bonded with your partner. Like, discussing Shakespere or maybe sharing a common fascination for cars or paintings.However, once into a long standing relationship, most couples seem to be entirely focused on sex. And that does lead to a lot of complications, misunderstandings and hurt. Why not then take a step back and go back to the basics.
We'll give you a list of all the things you can bond with your partner, minus the ���S��� factor:
Cook it up: Bank executive Amit Rastogi speaks about his experience. "We were five years into our marriage and kids, holding on to our jobs were beginning to take a toll on our lives. Going on a second honeymoon did not prove to be the de-stressor we were looking out for. We were feeling drained out and empty after each day. One day my wife, Anuradha, initiated me into the kitchen and its myriad wonders. As I helped her toss up dinner, we indulged in playful banter, almost like kids. And it felt like magic when we recalled memories of our initial days of marriage. It wasn't just about helping my wife, but I was getting to learn about my own culinary skills."
Psychologist Arun Vaid explains, "People often resort to cooking as a de stressor. And many have come to me saying it has a positive effect. Couples need time out from sex and day-to-day responsibilities. They need to enjoy the small things that they have in common and take interest in each other, apart from the physical aspect. Not only that, when you cook together, you end up discussing your tastes, the spices that pep you up, childhood days when your mom cooked your favourite food on your birthdays. When you go through these refreshing experiences again, you feel the monotony breaking. It peps you up for the present."
Ask your partner to teach you driving: Ketaki Sharma, a manager with an MNC recalls, "There were no conflicts between my partner and me. Infact, we had reached a stage in our relationship when there wasn't anything more I could ask for. Yet, the stagnancy made us feel so disoriented. It was like no matter what we did, we couldn't surprise ourselves anymore. The sex bit took a beating because of this over-the-top comfort level. We would often be too tired to experiment with anything. Trying out new positions did not intrigue us anymore and we are just 25. Then I decided to learn driving. And Shamik, my boyfriend, became my teacher. We would go for our driving jaunts every night and end up fighting, arguing and sometimes making out in the car itself. It was only then that we found our groove back."
Family counselor Ashish Deshpande says, "Every couple goes through a lull. Sometimes, they bounce back out of it, but there are moments when it could stretch for a longer time span. Couples could be at a crisis if they don't find ways to come out of it. Learning driving from your partner is a lot of fun, provided you are a bit careful. The key is to realise that when you enjoy doing something with your partner, do it regularly as long as it gives you shared happiness. After years of living together, the complacency that sets in should be broken every once in a while by doing things one has never tried before."
Go trekking: Nitin Kapoor, a software engineer says, "Many of my friends went for trekking and camping with their clubs. While the wives would remain at the base camp, the husbands would go rock climbing. We decided to go trekking as a change because there was always something we fought about on a daily basis. I took my wife camping to the Himalayas. Despite being a non trekker all her life, she accompanied me all the while learning about her own potential. She asked me a lot of questions and I was pleasantly surprised and quite happy when she took so much interest."
According to Deshpande trying out a physical activity brings back the bonding instinct. "When you go about doing a difficult task and realize that there isn't anyone you can rely upon except your own instinct or your partner's, you immediately seek new ways of bonding with him/her. And after great physical activity, its only natural to round it off with some stimulating sex. People don't realize that when you change your surroundings, your urges also undergo a change, to adapt to the new surroundings."
Flirting formulas: Journalist Shivani Dasgupta discusses her way out. "We were almost on the verge of a break up. Sex did not interest us anymore and small things were now creating big rows. I began to avoid my man and hated seeing his face back home. But one day, I had to go cover a party and he was there too. I refused to go up to him and instead started flirting lightly with a handsome hunk present at the same event. It was great to see my man watching me from a corner as I danced with the other guy. I knew he was seething, but guess what, I never had such a lovely time. When he came up to me, I refused to recognize him and instead kept flirting with the stranger. When I went home that night expecting another round of arguments, he took me by surprise by just heading straight for bed."
Pshychologist Shikha Kashyap points out, "When you are in a relationship, you end up wanting to being with that person 24 by 7. Till the point, when you need a breather. But most couples do not know how to go about it. It's important for couples to realise that they are also friends. Each of them should have the freedom to catch up with their own set of friends. Going for a girlie party or an out an out men's club distracts the mind. You end up sharing a lot of stuff and enjoying each other's company. This positivity then gets conveyed into your relationship as well."
Book a couple massage: Sameer Trikha, a BPO executive says, "Our work timings were such that by the time I wrapped up, she would be getting ready for office. This was beginning to take a toll on our relationship. We hardly got time to interact except maybe on the phone. Then, for our anniversary, my brother booked us a couple massage. It was some great time that we had together and by relaxing our fatigued minds and bodies, we realised how much we missed each other."
Reveals Kashyap, "Going for massages are a big stress buster. The point is to relax and enjoy the time that you get with each other. When the body feels good it releases oxytocin the "happy hormone". It makes you feel good about yourself, as well as the people around you. Relaxation and a sense of satisfaction is felt together and you end up feeling closer than ever before."
Enroll in dance classes: College-goer, Sanya Swaroop, reveals, "I was learning Salsa. So when things with my boyfriend began to turn sour, I suggested Salsa classes for him too. He has two left feet, so it was major laughter session when he tried hard to get the steps right. We would double up every time he took the stage and he would end up being grumpy. But the best part is that we forgot our fights and instead concentrated on his dance."
According to relationship expert Diya Tank, couples get into fights because they no longer find anything novel in each other. "The sense of 'you can't surprise me anymore' is so intense that the love aspect is often overlooked. So when couples enroll in dancing classes, it channelises all their dormant, negative energies into something productive. All the anger, resentment and feelings of being left out get dissolved," she explains.
Write letters and read them out to each other: Tulika Saran, a fashion designer says, "When we were totally disillusioned in each other, my friend gave me this idea. She told me to dig out all the letters and E-mails he had written during our courtship days. And then write a letter to him. It felt so nostalgic and wonderful. My man felt the same too. I ended up writing to him about how I felt these days. About how I felt neglected because he just wouldn't listen to what I had to say. And it did worked like magic when he wrote one a letter himself confessing everything that he had felt. It was great."
Vaid explains, "In our frenzied lifestyle, these nitty gritties our often forgotten. When you write something, you tend to put in all of your feelings and sentiments into the letter. So, despite the fact that one may not be a great writer, feelings can be eloquently conveyed. Couples can always resort to such activities to perk up their relationship and take it to another level."