This story is from December 4, 2008

Dealing with death

DIVYA KAPOOR AND AYANDRALI DUTTA / Dec 4, 2008, 00:00 IST

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The recent terror attacks in Mumbai have shaken the lives of hundreds by taking away some very precious souls. But life must move on...

The recent terror attacks in Mumbai have shaken the lives of hundreds by taking away some very precious souls. Moving on is tough, here��s how to best overcome the grief of a loved one lost.
There are events that we all wish had never taken place, there are moments that wish we could take back and there times and things that we can't express in words.Coping with the death of a loved one is tough, but life has to go on, Here is how we can best deal with the death of a loved one...
Allow yourself to accept
When a person dies a sudden death due to unnatural reasons, there arises a strong sense of disbelief and shock. To begin with, one must acknowledge this loss and not live in denial. Initially, one only feels startled and shocked as the pain and trauma surfaces only after a few weeks. "Loss of life in an unexpected, sudden manner that gives no forewarning can definitely leave near and dear ones feeling vulnerable, shaken and deeply perturbed. For them, the world almost comes to sudden halt and movement in any direction seems impossible. Initially, people struggle in acknowledging the bitter fact and live in denial," explains Dr. Sanjay Chugh, a psychiatrist. "What people must remember is that what they are feeling is a very normal reaction to a very abnormal situation," adds Dr. Arvinder J. Singh, a psychotherapist.

Psychiatrist Dr Samir Parikh further explains, "Death is always accompanied by questions �� like "why." When our near ones have died we often pose this question. We ask, "Why is this happening?" "What did I do to deserve this" In these times, it is always important to lend ears to the one grieving and to be with them. The loss of our loved ones all of a sudden is a difficult proposition. When someone is grieving, he or she needs the love and support of friends more than ever". Bereavement is a powerful, life-changing experience.

Grieving is important
If people hold on to a grief, it may not be dealt with for years. So, crying and bereavement, believes Dr. Singh, is imperative during situations like these. "Let the people who have lost their loved ones cry," she says, explaining, "The close relatives of the ones dead should ideally vent out their pain. The psyche behind this is that if they do not take the grief out of their system, it will kill them from inside." According to Dr. Chugh, "Let your emotions out instead of bottling them up. Talk about your feelings...no matter how irrational they might seem. The grieving process helps the individual to vent his/her emotions and clear the system from any kind of blocked emotions. With time, one slowly starts to accept the reality and integrates this to their existing life experiences." Therefore, let the bereaved ones cry if they want to and give them their space of talking and sharing the sorrow. They just want someone to listen to their pain at this moment.
A sudden loss leaves people feeling frozen in time and numb. Aradhana Roy who recently lost her 21-year-old son in a road accident recalls, "It was a state of complete disbelief for me, and moreover for a mother it is very painful to deal with the death of a child. But I had to gather myself for my younger son who had really no clue what had happened to his brother. The most difficult part was to explain to him that his older brother was gone forever. I had to be his strength and that was more painful for me".
Psychologist Nimissha Shah explains that, "when death knocks all of a sudden there is no warning, so there's also no time to prepare oneself for this unsaid sorrow. Allow one to grieve in their own individual way. Getting over death also needs social adjustments."
Reach out to the suffers
Those, who have been fortunate enough to remain unaffected, must come forward to help the victims. "I appeal to the people of Mumbai to step out and lend their shoulders to the ones who have lost their loved ones in this terror battle. Listen to them, be with them, take care of their basic needs and just say �� 'I'm there with you'. Psychologically, it is of great help," emphasises Dr. Singh. "At these times, people engage in a mental debate and think of how they could have avoided this mishap. What they could have done to prevent the loss. Feelings of anger, guilt and sadness sink in. At such a stage, it is very important for people around them to ensure they don't fall into depression," says Dr. Chugh.
Get back to normal routine
It is important that one tries to maintain a normal routine in life, even though this can be extremely hard and challenging. "Do not give up on your regular day to day activities as it can instill a sense of control. Try to sleep enough, rest and eat a balanced diet as these activities add to the healing process," advises Dr. Chugh adding, "Make sure that you do not look out for alcohol, drugs or other chemical substances as a way to deal with the pain, but resort to healthier methods. Go for a walk, talk to your friends or other support groups who would understand your grief and loss." Dr. Singh agrees, "When one focuses on things like family members and their needs, it gives the person a purpose in life,"
Take professional help if needed
When someone's whole world comes to a sudden halt and moving to any direction seems impossible, the chances of slipping into depression and post traumatic stress are very high. One must not hesitate to consult a psychiatrist or a psychologist at that moment. "If there are any symptoms of sleeplessness and lack of appetite, grievers should seek professional help. Because, these symptoms may subside now but may come back in a much serious form later in their lives," says Dr. Singh.
divya.kapoor@indiatimes.co.in

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